They're Playing Our Song!!!

Due to the inclement weather this week... I've been stuck in the house wasting my brain away with television, twitter, and redbox dvds *straight face*.  Seriously, each night amidst nightly phone conversations, I religiously tune into the same re-ran and syndicated sitcoms = = = =>>>> A Different World, Living Single, and Martin on TvOne.  These shows are then followed by a quick station change to catch whatever sitcoms Nickelodeon's Nick @ Nite  airs for the remainder of the night.  This night, however, went a bit differently.  My usual line up of sitcoms served a purpose greater than simple television entertainment, they inspired a blog entry.  Tonight's episode of A Different World dealt with Ron discovering this crazy want that he had for Freddie, even though he was dating Kim.  Living Single of course is always centered around a dating story line, hence its title.  While Martin chronicled Martin and Gina's break-up, which ended in a duet of Rick James and Teena Marie's Fire and Desire.

Every show I tuned into tonight focused on a situation of love and/or secret crushes and desires.  And in each story line, us viewers were aware of the male character's true feelings for a particular female character; while she remained left in the dark.  So with twitter being the birthplace of profound/scholarly thoughts that warrant deep and controversial discussion (sarcasm alert!), I tweeted the following:

I know guys really b in their room/car 

singing love songs, thinking about a girl lol. 

When a female gets u to that point, u need to wife her

Please ignore the bad grammar and mechanics.  It was Twitter, and I had to make what I was thinking fit into 140 characters.  Anywho, I was hoping that a few of my male followers/friends would reply to this tweet, giving me some type of confirmation and insightfulness.  Instead, my female followers/friends gladly "retweeted" it.  No conversation, no discussion.  But the question relating to my aforementioned tweet still remains contested.  Females, of course we sing love songs to the top of our lungs.  We feel every lyric of a love song when a guy has our heart, and then that song becomes embedded in our brain and unofficially deemed "our" song.  We'll make a song "our" song not only because of it's relation lyrically, but because of a moment spent together while that song just so happened to be playing, even if it was just  while washing dishes.  We'll even give a guy we hate a song.  Why do you think females sing so hard to Beyonce's "Irreplaceable" or Lauryn Hill's "Ex-Factor"?  Those aren't really love songs.

I recall an episode of Fresh Prince when Will realized he was in love with Lisa, Nia Long's character.  He asked Uncle Phil, "how do you know when you're in love?"  And Uncle Phil replied, "you know you're in love, when those sappy love songs start making sense."  Now it's hard to justify that reasoning for females whole-heartedly because as I previously stated, we'll relate even a semi-love song to an underserving man.  We're always stuck in nostalgia.  For men though, is Uncle Phil right?  When you start loving, feeling, or even crushing hard on a woman... do love songs start meaning more to you?  Do men here Boyz II Men's I'll Make Love to You and start fantasizing about making love, not just having sex, but making love to a particular woman?  For my "thug life" gentlemen, instead of Boyz II Men, do you hear Method Man and Mary J. Blige's All I Need and think of how much she means to you?

If I'm wrong... and love songs aren't an indicator, then what is it that makes a man realize that he's got a good woman?  What makes a man see that his crush on her is deeper than any old crush, or that he's potentially in love?  And for any of this to occur, does this woman have to be your "woman", or can this woman be someone you're dating/talking to or someone you don't actually have because she is off limits?  As females, it is expected that we love hard.  When a guy grabs our heart, we don't mind telling the world.  For some of us, it may take some time to get to that point.  She may have to feel out the level of maturity between the two of them; decide whether or not he'll become an asshole when she lets her guard down or treat her like a queen.  But once she has her mind made up and has given him her heart, she'll give him her everything.

In my opinion, the male species isn't as cardio-deficient as he seems.  If anything, men love hard as well and hurt even harder.  When a man isn't comfortable with another man's actions around his woman, his jealousy and/or disapproval is felt without him being in the same room.  When a man crushes on a woman and decides that he wants her, he will do everything in his power to see her, to hang with her, to have her, to merely be in her presence.  When a man has made up his mind that a woman has his heart, he doesn't mind allowing her to be his soft spot.  And talk about hurting hard, you can always spot the guy whose had his heart broken early on in life.  He is the one that's usually quick to turn to womanizing, calling every woman a "broad" or "hoe", vowing to play her before she plays him.

Not trying to make myself out to be anyone's expert, I'm just curious as to what makes a woman the object of a man's love song?  What makes a man deem a song, "our song"?  I don't care how tough, macho, or manly a guy thinks he is... there's always at least one woman who can make him as soft as the next.  Fellas, the next time you're in your room or car and you catch yourself vibing to a love song with a certain woman consuming your thoughts; don't be ashamed.  You might be onto something. Take a moment to realize how much this woman might actually mean to you.  Just hope that she's singing the same kind of love song for you.  

“Music produces a kind of pleasure which human nature cannot do without.” ~Confucius

Hated for Being Beautiful

I had the intention of writing about something out of my norm today.  I know my title suggests a piece about models or something related to beauty image, but I'm sorry to have to burst any fashion-lover's bubble... this piece is about politics (oh no!)  Why not discuss a janky political system that lies within a government and society that hates people like me and our President... merely because of the beautiful skin color we are blessed to have.  After watching Obama's State of the Union addresss, I felt the need to get a few things about our lovely country off of my chest.

Probably more than half of the politically dormant American population tuned in to President Obama's speech.  I say this because my timeline on Twitter was literally all tuned in, most who I know don't have a political bone or care in their body.  And if that person happens to be you, don't worry, I don't plan to venture into statements made during his speech or give you an in-depth CNN analysis of his proposals for America.  Instead I'd just like to share with you what was personally provoked mentally through what I saw, not what I heard.

Is this not the funniest, but realest pic?

It's Washington, it's the government, so of course it is expected that the room of attendees present for Obama's speech were mostly white and male.  Most of whom actually stood up and clapped for a good amount of his speech.  So much that my followers on Twitter were begging for them to stop the interruptions.  But there, sitting behind President Obama, were Vice President Joe Biden (who I absolutely adore) and Speaker of the House, John Boehner.  Vice President Biden smiled and clapped in agreement with President Obama... I mean, he is his VP.  In contrast, I noticed that throughout President Obama's ENTIRE speech John Boehner had a horrendous look of disgust on his face, knowing that all of America could see his "I hate black people" facial expressions.  His clapping was obviously forced and full of sarcasm.  He looked as if it was paining him to sit there and watch a black man give the State of Union address as the President of the United States.  I didn't realize how much I missed the site and presence of Nancy Pelosi (former Speaker of the House), until tonight.

Back row, from right to left: Vice President Joe Biden. Speaker of the House (crybaby, RED-neck, literally) John Boehner

When Nancy Pelosi was still the Speaker of the House.  Is that smile for Obama Nancy? :)

Boehner's blatant and obvious stares of disapproval during Obama's speech was very much uncalled for and down right childish.  It's as if he was throwing a silent tantrum to himself.  Well Boehner, whether you like it or not, this man is your president... elected through the democratic system that America is proud to have and supposedly leading by example.  I love having the right to vote in this alleged democracy of ours, but how is it that in a country where a black man can be voted into office does so much racism and classism still exists? My  facebook and twitter friends brought to my attention today the Kelly Bolar case in Akron Ohio.  This case involves the harsh and extreme sentencing of a black mother who was jailed for lying on documents so her children did not have to attend the school around the projects where they lived.  Instead she used the kids father's address so they could attend a predominantly white school in their father's neighborhood which gave them better opportunities.

Now I don't know about you, but I know plenty of parents who have used the addresses of family members and friends so that they're kids could attend a better school.  I mean, honestly, since when did trying to give your children a better education warrant jail time?  Cases like Ms. Bolar's case, the Marcus Dixon case where a young black boy in Georgia was given a cruel sentencing after being falsely accused of raping his white girlfriend, the Jena 6 case where a group of black teens got into a fight with a group of white teens and then were wrongfully charged & given excessive sentencing while the white teens received none, the Oscar Grant killing where a black teen in Oakland was shot repeatedly by an officer as he laid helplessly in hand cuffs.  I could go on for days speaking of stories of injustice that have happened in this country over the last 6-7 years. 

I look at a country whose government has allowed cases and situations like the ones I mentioned to take place... a government who didn't come to the rescue of it's own people when Hurricane Katrina paralyzed a city and left too many to count dead or homeless... a government who watched business after business close, while day in and day out families found themselves on the streets because mom and dad were now unemployed.  I thought that all of these problems were why we, black and white America, chose Obama to be our President?  Because we, black and white America, knew that things were going horribly wrong.  I look at a country that has elected a black man as president but has slowly turned their backs on him as quickly as they put him in office, allowing fools like Boehner to change their opinions.

Some of the Hurricane Katrina aftermath

Sadly enough, the young Obama supporters are over the hype, the old Obama supporters are running out of steam, and everyone else is either indifferent or raising hell trying to bring his presidency down before he even completes his term.  People hate everything about a man who in the little time that he's been in office has improved the state of jobs, health care, and the war that we're fighting oversees.  The Republican Party, Tea Party, and other Obama opposers are doing everything in their power to undermine and belittle what he HAS done... fighting against him as he tries to alleviate issues as sensitive and significant as health care and helping poor and middle class families.  All I've seen from Obama opposers is pointing fingers, being angry with Obama for the sake of being angry.  This is not the time for the government to be against one another, okaying its citizens to hate one another.  The reality is that Obama is THEE president, so as our government officials support his efforts and do something... stop talking.

I watched the Republican and Tea Party commentary following President Obama's excellent speech and cringed at how hard they are trying to kill all Obama stands for; knowing that their Republican counterpart brought us into this mess.  President Obama has done more thus far than most president's have done their full term.  The beauty of living that he stands for is hated, simply because the beauty of his appearance involves a skin complexion that's brown. *sigh*  It all just angers me.  How are we not to hate in return, when for so many years we have faced hatred?  Will "America the beautiful" ever truly include ALL Americans?  I'm beginning to lose hope.

"But what we can do, as flawed as we are, is still see God in other people, and do our best to help them find their own grace. That's what I strive to do, that's what I pray to do every day." ~President, Barack Obama

So Who's Timing This?

You wake up one morning, sad, angry, irritable, empty, overwhelmed... and you can barely put your finger on the depth of the problem or the solution.  You try to place whatever it is at the back of your mind, and you somewhat succeed.  That is until a flat tire makes you late for work, someone sends you an angry text for something that you're not aware that you did, a bill still has yet to be paid but your bank account is on E, etc.  Then all of those emotions come rushing right back to the forefront, making you feel as if you have 99 problems weighing heavily on your heart.  99 problems, of course, is the mother to our bad days.  And bad days, at times, seem damn near impossible to avoid or get around.  I've had plenty of mornings where I woke up with things just not feeling right.  I then found myself fighting the side of me that wanted to not move from my bed in an attempt to hide from my frustrations.  I believed that if I stayed in bed all day nothing else bad could happen.  That never worked... one, I can't sit still, two, I'm always busy, and three, that makes absolutely no sense.

I'm bringing all of this up because yesterday was one of those days for me.  After having such a good week, the start of my weekend was disappointing and irritating from one reason after the other.  I eventually made it through my sad Saturday.  Woke up this morning instead, realizing that I hadn't been to church the past couple of weeks.  For a while, I had done well in getting myself acquainted in re-establishing my fellowship.  I'll be honest with you though... I still am not one who attends church every single Sunday, but I am spiritual and a strong believer of faith just as much as the next person.  Some of you may be thinking that it's not good to go to church merely when times get tough.  That you're supposed to show a consistent praise and worship of God, and this goes for almost every denomination.  Well, who's to say that because you don't attend church on a regular basis that you worship and praise God any less than the man who's always there?  When times get tough, your faith is where you are to turn if I'm correct.  Indeed I was always taught that church was for sinners, not for saints.  You attend for the fellowship, the ministry, and to learn God's word.  You attend to gain a sense of peace within yourself and with God, even if it's just for a moment.  Just so you can say that you know peace as you try to discover how to have it permanently.  Today I went to my church, (Browns Memorial Baptist Church in Baltimore) searching for all of the above and all of the above I received.

When you first walk into your place of worship, there's an ease that naturally comes over you immediately.  Everyone appears happy to be there (except for the kids who were forced there by a grandma lol).  Everyone's happy to be alive and see another day, happy as if they've been looking forward all week for church on Sunday.  I must admit, that has been me a couple of times.  For whatever reason, I was excited to attend church on Sunday... excited to experience some sort of cleansing and/or epiphany.  As I walked into church today, I was greeted and given blessings.  And no I do not know everyone in my church.  I come, sit in my spot, and relax.  I do, however, at least let my guard down.  We all are here for fellowship.  These people could be mean and evil on a regular basis for all I know, but within the thresholds of worship everyone becomes one another's angels.  Today we read scripture from the bible that touched my soul, God's words to his children indeed (Isiah 43:1-4).  The youth dance ministry danced to "Thirsty" by Marvin Sapp (click to listen). The choir sang two songs about being thankful, which led the entire church to have a 15-20min "praise break" where people cried and shouted "thank you" with their hands extended.  All eventually leading to my pastor, Dr. R. Lee Johnson, giving a sermon on the signs of depression and re-discovering your spirituality through extremely difficult times.  My church may fit the mold of the stereotypical "black church" but it's what I know, it's what I enjoy.  I carry my faith from what I've learned/experienced, and how I see fitting. 

When my pastor was done the message of his sermon... he took a moment to share the battle that he's been dealing with in recently losing his mother.  It was easy to notice that it was still a very sensitive topic for him, probably will always be.  He didn't preach to us about the dealings with his mother; instead he just talked to the church, told us how it affected him so badly to the point where he didn't even want to preach any longer.  Gave us a testimony to his triumph.  And while everyone sat silently listening to his story, empathetic to his pain, a deacon who sat on the front row, began shouting and speaking in tongues.  I'm not a holy ghost believer per say, but this man is normally a quiet man.  Never shouts, always to himself as long as I've been attending this church.  It was chilling almost.  Again, out of my church's norm, the pastor asked us to join him at the altar post-sermon as he prayed.  As I looked around, I saw tears rolling down everyone's faces... and before I knew it, I too fell victim to tears.  I didn't even know what I was crying for, but I couldn't stop.  Even as empathetic as I am, these days post-everything I've overcome thus far... it takes a lot for me to cry.  I was embarrassed at first, trying to wipe them before anyone noticed but the tears continued to flow.  I then remembered that I was in my place of worship, so it was okay to release whatever I needed to release.  I was supposed to do so.

During the altar prayer, I kept going over in my head areas of life that my pastor was touching on during his prayer and had spoke of during his sermon.  Normally, I write these things down as he speaks and this Sunday wasn't any different.  He spoke of how the "lord has already brought you from things you thought you couldn't handle, why would he fail you now?"  How "there's no need for people to be in your space if all they're going to do is disrupt your spirit."  How sometimes you just need to ask people to leave you be and let you have your moment with God to work things out.  How God uses adversity sometimes to bring us closer to our faith... and that "when God sees your faithfulness in the midst of your pain, that he will turn it into light."  He reminded us that "God will restore our joy" where ever, whenever, if ever we lose it.

Today's service helped me remember how blessed I am, and how sometimes you need to just spend the time praising and thanking who ever you pray to for keeping you blessed.  He suggested that we all find a verse, or a few verses that we can hold on to when times get tough... that we meditate and pray.  All of which are in sync with "Eat, Pray, Love".  What stuck out the most to me today was a certain quote he kept repeating.  "He (God) may not come when you want him, but he's always on time."  Timing is indeed everything, as in God having me attend church today knowing that I'd take every bit of it that was for me.  The verse that I own, Proverbs 3:5 "Trust in the Lord with all thine heart, and lean not unto thine own understanding" revolves around timing.  Suggesting that you just trust that God will take care of it, in due time.  I give everyone else the advice of waiting your turn and for your time.  That if your heart is confused, hurt, lost, angry... in God's time, things will change for the better.  Today's service gave me a better understanding of why having a place of worship is important.  We don't have all the answers, but in the presence of such positivity in a world where that doesn't happen often... a place of worship allows you to let go.   Even if you only go to your place of worship when you really need it, God sends you there that day because there is something that he wants you to hear and/or experience. Ultimately, it's all about timing.  You may think your urge of fellowship is dependent solely on how you're feeling or just because you believe it's time... when actually, every second of your life has already been strategically scheduled through God's timing.  You're merely controlling the DVRed version.

Here are a few songs that have always been my ABSOLUTE favorite examples of "ministry through music".  I prefer saying ministry through music because that's truly what it is...  
Click and be blessed :)

"I Won't Complain" by Rev. Paul Jones

"I Told The Storm" by Greg O'Quinn & Joyful Noize

"Midnight" by Brent Jones, TP Mobb, Coko (from SWV)

"Hold Me Now" by Kirk Franklin & GP

"My Desire" by Kirk Franklin, Fred Hammond, & GP

Title-less... Literally!

Going through more old poetry books of mine, and I came across this poem.  It's something a little different.  I don't have a title for this one; but I'd like for you to read it, understand it, and post a few title suggestions.  Nonetheless, enJOY ;)

Untitled

by Alicia Williams

They tried to tear us apart...

tried to take my words from my soul and use them against me, against you, against us.

They tried to take me away from what I knew best...

take away my passion, my everything.

They tried to tear our love apart....

the love that has been growing between us since I was a little girl, since we were both virgins to this world.

They tried to take away my everlasting piece of dignity.

Use what I said and what I wrote to mark me as a hypocrite.

They tried something along the lines of stoning me to death...

stoning us using my own vocabulary, my own verbals to rid of what we have.

They tried to put out our flame...

the flame that has continued to burn inside of the both of us.

But our passion, our heat was too much for them.

So they tried to water you down and cool me off, hoping that this would be the last of us.

Yea they tried... but they couldn't.

They couldn't tear us part because I'd die for you.

I'd lay myself down in the streets of shame and anguish to be constantly run over by our opposition if I had to.

I'd sacrifice my body for you, partake in activity that would waste away my soul just so your soul could continue breathing...

so your soul could live on to tell the world our story.

They just can't seem to break the natural bond that's between us... it's too strong.

I will admit though, that they almost had me.

They had me at a point to where I was almost broken... feeling torn and remorseful about nearly giving you up for good.

I was afraid to be with you... all from the fear of being seen, the fear of being humiliated, the fear of not being able to love you right anymore.

But without you, I wasn't myself...

the hurt and the pain was damn near unbearable.

So I vowed to take my punishment, let the public see and hear about my obsession with you and your obsession with me... because I needed you that bad.

They can't take this pen from my hand.

They tried... When I tell you.

They tried to stop me from writing... but I can't.

I love you pen & paper, words & rhymes... I love you entirely too much to lose you.

I almost let you go completely because what I wrote offended some, hurt some, broke some, and I lost some.

But I can no longer go on limiting my thoughts because of their dislike and disapproval of our relationship.

Because the reality is... they can not tear us apart.

Writing, you ease my pain, you calm my brain, you heal wounds inside of me that I didn't even know existed.

You allow me to be myself... never judging me, always listening.

Without you, I am nothing.  Without you, I am not me.

You see, they failed.

They can't tear us apart... and this is proof.

I'm back, I'm focused, I'm alive, I'm well... 

And I wrote this just for them.

"I am the youth spirit, I am y'all with the flow... Troubled man, dare I say, I am Mar with the flow... I come up hard but I evolve with the flow... Crossover, slam dunk, Rucker Park with the flow." ~JayZ. What They Gonna Do.

“Be yourself. Above all, let who you are, what you are, what you believe, shine through every sentence you write, every piece you finish." ~John Jake 

A Different Kind of Lovin'

Rumor has it that I'm bad in answering and returning phone calls... so says a few close friends of mine.  I object and completely disagree with this statement!!! You know how it is sometimes, you truly get engulfed or distracted by something that you were doing when they called.  Your friends though, your closes ones at that, the ones who know your day to day schedule, will call you during the most awkward times of your day... times where day in and day out you are not available.

They'll call you when they know you are still asleep, taking your daily nap, at work where talking on the phone is NOT even an option, booed up, or away somewhere where your cellphone is the last thing on your mind or not even accessible.  Then they'll wonder why you haven't answered their calls lol... c'mon now deviant callers known as the friends that I love dearly, call me when I'm actually free! haha.  It may sound like I'm nagging or complaining, but I'm not.  My circle of friends has just been getting on me about this lately, so I wanted to tease them.  This blog entry doesn't even have anything to do with missed calls.  Instead it's about the ones in our lives who we love like family but aren't related to us by blood, not one drop... our FRIENDS... more specifically... our close friends, known as our CIRCLE.  This blog entry is dedicated to my Trio! Established @ Howard University... prior & post.  This is truly a different kind of lovin'.

Most of us have probably heard of the saying that goes something like "as you get older you don't lose friends, you find out who your real ones are."  Don't quote me, but you get the gist of it.  When you get older, you go through these phases where you begin to distant yourself from certain people.  Either because your interest are no longer the same, they've done something unacceptable to you or someone close to you, or you feel as if you can no longer deal with their immature and/or screwed up character.  From personal experience and observation, here are a few "friends", also known as associates who we all should avoid and RUN AWAY from if we call any of these types of people "friends". (Unless you fall into the same categories yourself).  They are as follows:

1. The Groupie. They want to use you for the limelight.  There is something that you have or something/someone that you have access to that they want or want to be around.  In a creepy way, sometimes it appears that they want to be you.
2. The Con Man. They lie and are sneaky = can't be trusted. You can't loan this friend anything because you'll never get it back.  They will connive their way into getting whatever it is that they need out of you.  From a sad story, for sympathy... to a "you get this round of drinks, I got the next one!"... which you know won't  happen! 
3. The Attention Whore.  They want every bit of attention that you receive, no matter if it's from the opposite sex, other fellow friends, an employer, a coach, family etc.  They want it all!  And they'll leave you high and dry out in the cold to get what they want!
4. The Flirt. Not to be confused with The Attention Whore, but they do go hand and hand.  This person craves feeling like the most beautiful/flyest thing out there... and if that means feeling as if they could take your girl/man away from you then so be it.  You don't feel comfortable with them around your boyfriend/girlfriend or even just someone who you have a crush on or are somewhat interested in.
5. The Tabloid. They always have negative things to say about other people and/or are always gossiping about someone.  9 times out of 10 when you aren't around they dog you hard as hell and tell all of your business.
6. The Hater. They belittle you.  They are so stuck on themselves, or jealous of what you have that the only way to make themselves feel better is to diss everything that you have and anything that goes good for you.
7. The Spoiled Brat. They're selfish.  When the going gets tough for you, they are no where to be found.  They want you there for them for everything, and will be quick to call you out if you're not.  Strangely they turn into David Blaine and disappear when you need them most.
8. The Dropout. This friend really has no ambition or the goals that they have are crazy.  They bring you down... always wanting to get into trouble of some sort.  They may even clown and make jokes about you and your success/drive to succeed in front of other nobodies.
9. The Love Sick Puppy. With this friend, any man/girl/boo that comes into their life is immediately placed in front you.  Once this friend is "in love" you can say goodbye to any and everything that you did to hang out.  They make it clear that you are only priority and important when they are single and lonely... but yet you are the first one they call as soon they get played.
10. The Dependent.  You might as well start claiming this friend on your taxes!  It is soooo important that you are there for them for literally EVERYTHING.  They call you with questions like, "I don't know if I should breathe today? What do you think?"  If it weren't for you, this poor sole wouldn't know how to function properly.
 

There maybe some other types that you can think of, but the aforementioned ones are people who I've come across.  By the age of 25, these people NEED to be completely gone out of your life! I've gone away from having a big circle of friends.  I used to have a big circle that I talked to about life and my feelings... to only find out later that those people couldn't be trusted.  It hurts when you lose a good friend.  When a person becomes a good friend, it's as if they become a part of your family.  Whether you hate them or not... there is always a bit of nostalgia from funny, crazy, and wacky moments that you've had together.  And what sucks, are the moments when you look back when that person was there for you for a particular situation, or the moments when you remember actually feeling brother/sisterhood... it makes you ask yourself... What went wrong??

I've honestly battled with that question a few times, too many times for my liking.  Too many times to where it's made me sit down and question my own state of mind and ability to be a good friend.  Maybe it's me I considered?  But then those remaining good friends of mine, pointed out that I have a good heart, which causes me to give someone too much credit when they've shown me signs that they didn't deserve that much credit in the first place.  Yea, I'm definitely past that point now.  My senior year of college, after the elementary/middle/and underclassmen friend fumbles and tests, after I myself had to mature... I found my true circle of friends.

My circle is very small indeed.  These people have been there for me through my most trying times without ever judging me or making me feel ashamed for any mistake or choice that I've made.  They have never tried to hate, support me in literally EVERYTHING that I want to do and have done!  They have always told me the truth when it came to guys, even physically hurt for me as I went through some very trying times in maturing.  We are each quirky and different in our way, but we understand that about one another.  We all have ambition, spirituality, beauty, and brains.  I pray that these ladies remain my close circle forever... and that I am as a good friend to them as they are to me.  My big brother from another mother, Ray, gets an honorable mention for all of the above reasons as well (but I won't put his photo up without his approval lol).  I don't regret any friend ordeal that I've had.  Just as in any ordeal in life, you live and you learn.  And those who matter will be around throughout that process.  If you wouldn't settle for a mate, then why settle for a friend.

“Truly great friends are hard to find, difficult to leave, and impossible to forget.” ~Anonymous

Things Just Got Prettier

I'm so happy right now! Why? Because I found a way to start over!  Nooo I'm not talking about with life, but I'm talking about my precious blog!  For approximately the last 5 days, I have been going crazy because I have been unable to sign in to Google Account or Blogspot to access my blog.  My mind is always filled with so much that I thought I was going to have a breakdown with my new found outlet being basically non-existent.  It had only been a week, funny I know.  I told myself that even though I re-created my blog tonight, that I would go to bed and NOT post a blog.... buuuut what good is having your own outlet for writing if you don't do what you want with it right?  As you can see from the different url address, I never figured out how to attain access to my original blog.  Instead, I came across a very insightful website on blogspot that explained the issue and helped me face the fact that my blog would be lost for-ev-er *creepy voice*!  All because of a typo with my email address. *Sigh*

I, of course, was tempted to tell myself, "ok that was fun while it lasted!"  But the positive feedback that I have been receiving from my readers, also known as my friends, has been such a motivation more than I think any of them know!  I've had people tweet, call, message, text, and facebook me about how good my blog is and how they love reading what I have so far, what I'm doing... How it's refreshing and motivating...  How it touches their real life... How they'd like to tell the world about it... How they're simply happy to see me doing what I love to do!  To these people, I would like to scream at the top of my lungs THANK YOU!!!!!  That love that you have been giving me has been allowing me to take my own advice from the things that I've written.  It took me sometime, but I basically started this current blog from scratch.  It is identical to my previous blog with all of the same entries copied and pasted.  I've gone through all of the necessary steps this time to make sure that I won't lose this one.  I've even double checked with my heart to make sure that starting this completely over was worth it.

So here I am at 5 o'clock in the morning, writing.  Not about anything quirky and cute that popped into my brain... but simply rediscovering a passion I've had since my childhood.  And with that, I'd like to say thank you.  Thank you to all of my friends, and friends of friends, random readers, and admirers who unknowingly and knowingly are driving me to love again what I had lost.  Thank you for allowing Alicia to be Alicia, whether in person or through a craft.  My previous blog was titled When Life Gets Ugly... Get Pretty! In making perfect sense, I titled this blog When Life Gets Ugly... Get Prettier!  As life continues to come up with creative ways to toss me lemons, I'll keep coming up with creative ways to turn those lemons into something sweet... bump sour lemonade! I want the good stuff! lol :)  See you in the a.m. beautiful people!

Parties and Purpose

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My Skin is Brown...

(Wednesday, January 12, 2011)

  "Four Women" Nina Simone Tribute. Kelly Price, Marsha Ambrosius, Jill Scott, Ledisi.

I know Black Girls Rock aired months ago, but I had to post this performance for the purposes of this entry.  Every time I watch this tribute, I literally get chills.  The black female is by far one of God's most special creations and probably the most complicated.  I normally have something to tell you as to what inspired my blog entry, but today, it was merely looking into the mirror.  While taking my hair down this morning, dazed, staring into my vanity, I thought to myself "wow, I am truly a beautiful woman."  In no way am I trying to be conceited or cocky, but sometimes you need to really look into a mirror and make that realization... especially us black women.  We deal with and have dealt with so much in society, yet are ridiculed and made fun of so often... by sadly... one another and our black male counterparts.  Twitter jumps when topics like "hood hoes" are trending.  Music videos are full of boricuas and red bones.  Society places the "home wrecker" label quickly onto budding black women in entertainment. Ridiculous.

In a discussion I had with a few women my age a while back, the consensus was that black women are the hardest on one another.  We bicker, we fight, we hate.  To an extent I agree.  As females, we definitely need to do better with our respect for one another.  But personally, I feel that black men are the hardest on black women.  Here it is 2011, and I still hear black men making comments implying that dark skin women aren't beautiful.  So I guess the rest of her has nothing to do with it??? Just her skin color??? Really though???  A man will date a woman, but through the process tell her how he wants her to wear her hair, how he wants her to dress, what food he wants her to eat, what amount of make-up she should wear.  He'll belittle what she finds entertaining, constantly benefit from her kindness yet quickly call her a nag or bitch when she finally stands up for herself.  Sometimes when I see all of this happening, I just want to yell STOP!

My black men, women in general are already insecure in so many facets.  The most confident, most beautiful woman has insecurities.  Black women compete because the black man puts them against one another with out even realizing he's doing so.  A man will constantly make comments to his woman about how attractive a celebrity is, and never think that maybe it's getting to her head.  Sad to say, females react.  It's in our genetic make-up.  God gave us all of these emotions, so we could be excellent mothers and nurturers... so we could be loving with our children, supportive to our husbands, and empathetic to society.

Black women are indeed strong, but we endure a lot that I don't think anyone but a black woman can comprehend completely.  I am a young, black, female Head Coach in a man's world.  If only you knew some of things that I have had to go through in order to gain respect.  We are two times the minority.  Our sexuality always has to be guarded when things like rape and "hoe" labels exist.  Our womanhood has to be easily recognizable to be wanted, yet our backbone has to be present to be respected.  Then as black women, we are expected to be stronger than the average woman.  I know that black women aren't innocent in the making judgments department, but I don't think black men understand the magnitude of impact that they possess.  When you give a woman assurance that everything is okay, then she will be okay because you are her king.  I would hope that a race which has faced so much prejudice and ridicule as a whole, would see how much they need one another.  We are each others biggest and worst critics when we need to be each others biggest and best supporters.  My brown people, learn to love beautiful for what it is and not for what you think it should be.  Learn to encourage.  Black men, my kings, you have my support... but all I, your queen, ask for is yours.

"As far as I knew white women were never lonely, except in books. White men adored them, Black men desired them and Black women worked for them." ~Maya Angelou

She Has a Pretty Nice Flow

(Tuesday, January 11, 2011)

I had a "snow" day today... which led to a day of nostalgia.  I decided to go through a few old journals and books of poetry of mine.  In case you didn't know, I love poetry... writing in general.  My passion for writing is different though.  I've always done bad in journalism and news media writing classes but flourished in creative writing ones.  Media writing can be so restricted.  There was a format that the teachers forced me to follow for journalistic purposes that I just couldn't get with whatsoever.  I thrive off of being able to place my commas where I want, capitalize what I want, and arrange words and phrases to what feels right to me.  I've studied communications all throughout college, so I understand the need for proper mechanics and grammar.  However, when it comes to telling a story, I'd like to just tell it.  So here, for the first time on my blog... I'd like to share with you the first poem I came across today in reminiscing.  I wrote this poem along time ago, somewhere between high school and college; so there's no need for anyone to feel special lol.
 

Presenting...  "Takin' Back" Enjoy! :)

Takin' Back

byAlicia Williams

See, I was takin' back the first day you looked at me... 

the first day you looked at me straight into my eyes as if you were trying to read my mind.

I was takin' back the first time you smiled at me... 

the first time you smiled at me I knew you were interested, I knew I had you in my grasp... 

I knew my chocolate had once again suceeded.

I was takin' back all of the nights we chilled together, whether indoors or outdoors.  

The nights we talked about whatever, enjoying each others' company, wanting one another, lusting silently.

I was takin' back each time my phone rang and it was you on the other end...

you calling because I was on your mind. 

I was takin' back, believe it or not.

 The conversations we had for minutes, for hours...  

The excitement in your voice told me that you were actually into what I was saying, into me.

I was takin' back the nights I laid down beside you... in your bed... close to you.

You kissing me softly in my most beautiful places.

Our lips touching, tongues meddling, me feeling you deep...ly.

I was takin' back.

 I was takin' back by everything we'd do, from the bites to eat, the nights alone, the public affection, the obvious admiration, the feeling of falling in love.

I was takin' back when the tables turned...

  when your pain became my anger which led to our drama. 

When you decided that I was getting too close, when initially... you welcomed my closeness and despised my distance.

I was takin' back the day I saw your arm wrapped around another girl... 

A smile on her face, and a smirk on yours... your homeboys patting you on your back. 

Playa... I was takin' back.

Takin' back even further as your list of "girl" "friends" increased... 

as your head got even bigger... your crew got even ruder, and your inclination towards me became less evident.

I was takin' back each moment I let your evilness slide, each time I became closer to becoming a "dummy".

I was takin' back by my own persistence to be with you... 

learning that I loved you, yet oblivious to the reality that your feelings weren't my feelings.

Takin' back? Was I.

The killer was how takin' back I was the day you pushed me out of your world completely.

Take me back... that's how I feel.

I feel takin' back by the fact that simply giving you what you wished for was not a task I coud do.

I was takin' back by the fact that I just didn't want to let you go... by how hooked I was, never realizing my own devotion and the extent of your deception.

Take me back.

Take me back to where I didn't cry every other night over a lost cause, over a lost soul... to where my happiness didn't depend on your happiness, to where I could do without you... but didn't.

Take me back to the man who wasn't trying to have a reputation... 

to the man who was trying to make a relationship... to the man who chased after me, the one I saw potential in... Please take me back to that place.

Take me back to where I was takin' back...

Takin' back by the idea of meeting someone who I was so attracted to, so into, so his, so yours when you had me takin' back.

Take me back to before you were even ever in my life, when I was drama-less, painless, emotionless...

When I was takin' back because falling in love felt that good...

Back then, before I knew love could hurt this bad.

Yours Truly... A.dot.M.dot.Dub.

I Got the Juice Now!

(Monday, January 10, 2011)

Never go to the grocery story hungry!  I made the mistake of doing so and the end result was Minute Maid Cherry Limeade.  *Funky face* Yuck!  That's what I get for trying something new.  I should've stuck with my old faithful Fruit or Berry Punch.  Don't you hate when you decide to be different, try something new, and then it ends up feeling like a horrible decision?!  Of course this blog entry isn't about my horrible grocery shopping decision in choosing the wrong beverage.  It's about trying something different.  Dating, careers, wardrobe, hairstyles, cars, and hobbies are all areas of life where we tend to switch it up from time-to-time, well some us.  The same frustration that I felt in buying that juice, is the same frustration that I've felt in major facets of my life.

When it comes to dating, for instance, I've pretty much dated the same type of guys.  Extremely athletic, popular, tough exterior (so they'd like you to think), overly masculine, video-game playing "meat-heads"... no offense to anyone, I was just describing your stereotypical jock.  I do attract a variety of males, but I always used to jump with excitement when one of the guys I just described came rolling my way.  All of my life I've been an athlete, so it's natural that I would be attracted to the athletes.  However, during my later years of college, after another dating experience and situation flopped... I decided to switch it up.  I went out of my comfort zone and said yes to dating guys who were different than what I was used to, which proceeded to post-college.  How has that been going for me?  Very well actually.  I've discovered new interests and new things about myself that I wasn't aware that I liked, disliked, and loved through my dating experiences.  

The same goes for career choices.  I had my sight set on law school all throughout undergrad.  Then suddenly during my senior year of college, I found myself hating law which led to my exploration of other fields.  That led me to a sports internship with the Ravens, my dream, which I figured I would love in being a former athlete.  That too was a disaster.  But like dating, stepping out and trying different things has led me to discover new things that make me smile.  I am not a big risk-taker at all, so having the courage to even try something new was a new process for me in itself.  It's scary to think that this leap of faith that your taking, could potentially back fire and blow up in your face.  And even more frightening to think that giving up what I was use to, could leave me with absolutely nothing in the end. 

There comes a point though when you're just pushed to your limit... where you can no longer stand going to work, you dread having conversations with your significant other, you question your beauty because of a dated look.  In your heart, you know when it's time... time to move on and/or simply switch it up.  Just like with my juice, I'm now stuck with an entire carton of juice that I do not want and can't take back.  The good news though, I can rid of the juice... go buy something else that I like... and place that juice on the list of "tried but denied".

Does this mean that I will never venture out and try something different, even something as small as juice ever again? No, that'd be ridiculous.  This all just means that particular kind wasn't for me, now I know.  Someone else could love it!  You have to take risks in life in order to live, even if they're small ones. Otherwise 20 years from now you could be left with a bunch of "I shoulda, coulda, woulda's... but didn'ts"  What have you got to lose?  How else are you going to know what gives you complete happiness if you're satisfied with, "I'm doing okay"? Take a risk!  Think of all of the possibilities that you could be missing out on! That's what we call living and learning my friend!  We can even hold hands together... because Lord knows I myself am afraid to jump at times, but I will! ;)

A Starter Risk To-Do List
1. Drastically change your hair... dye it, cut it, go natural, get a weave. If you're a guy... try the bald look, let your facial hair grow out, or cut your existing facial hair.
2. Apply for a few jobs out of state, across the country even... and if you get an interview, go on it!
3. Go see a movie by yourself, have lunch at a restaurant alone aside from your lunch break... if you do this already then make it a more frequent thing.
4. Take a class that involves a new hobby... i.e. sewing, painting, dancing, boxing.
5. Learn a new language.
6. Go on a blind date... or on a date with someone who you've been telling no.
7. Book a trip, to somewhere you haven't been within the next two weeks.
8. This weekend, take a road trip to visit a friend who lives more than 2 hours away.
9. Buy a ridiculously expensive item that you have always wanted.
10. Add volunteering to your already busy life. (Should not be a risk but for some of you it's like pulling teeth!)
11. Tell someone special in your life exactly how you feel... take the next step from where ever you are even.
12. Join something... an organization, a gym, a church.
13. Start at least laying out the foundation for your own side hustle, non-profit, new business.
14. Start up a blog and share with the world what's in your head ;)
15. Start your own "Risk List" if mine isn't applicable enough to you... give yourself an age or date that you'd like to complete things.  It doesn't have to be as extreme as a "Bucket List" (a list of things to do before you die)... but just put ideas on paper and go with them for once in your life!

*a familiar one*

"Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all." ~Alfred Lord Tennyson

Any Given Sunday

 (Sunday, January 9, 2011)

On this gorgeous but cold, NFL Sunday in Baltimore, Maryland... I'd like to introduce the die-hard sports fan, glued to the t.v. each and every NFL Sunday, football fanatic herself! Me of course :)  This Sunday is special though, why?  Because the home team plays a big game today.  And in honor of my Baltimore Ravens beginning their post season play this afternoon against the Kansas City Chiefs, I dedicate this blog to them!

The picture to the left is none other than Baltimore Raven's free safety, and in my opinion, one of the best defensive players to ever play in the NFL... Edward Earl Reed, Jr.  In the wake of today's game excitement, the Raven's are also dealing with a sense of somberness.  Just two days ago, Ed Reed's younger brother went missing and is now presumed drowned after he allegedly jumped into the Mississippi River to allude police.  Officers were said to be chasing him because the car he was driving was believed to be stolen.  A car at which his mother is adamant was not stolen and belongs to a family member.

I don't know about you but this story sounds fishy.  Why would his brother willingly jump into a river to escape?  I'm sorry but purposely jumping into a random body of water is something that us black folks just don't do.  Then if he were drowning, why didn't any decorated, aiming to "protect and serve" officer go in after him?  Did they not see him jump?  And if they did not see him jump, then how did they conclude that he had jumped?  He could've slipped and fell for all we know.  Too many unanswered questions.  I'm not a detective or anything, but I wouldn't be surprised if this story involved foul play.

How I see it, his brother could've been a victim off a black man driving in the wrong part of the south.  The cops probably pulled him over, looking for something wrong; to then see that the car was not registered to him.  Suddenly it was assumed that the black man must've stolen the car in an attempt to arrest and harass him.  His brother probably ran for his life, knowing what was about to happen or what was already happening and no one was around to watch (Rodney King-like possibilities).  Or even worse, the cops might've done a number on him and rid of the poor boy's body.  I'd like the think that this isn't the case, but it's terrible to know that incidents like these are even still believable in 2011. 

 
Despite the craziness of this tragic case, sudden deaths and occurrences like these make you think.  In a couple of seconds, your life could be turned upside down.  This past week, a young man from my former track and field team died in a motorcycle accident, he was 25.  And a young lady I went to middle and high school with was in a horrendous head on collision that has left her barely moving in shock trauma, and the other driver deceased,  She too is 25.  Tragedy has no owner.  It comes and goes as it pleases, to whomever it chooses, whenever it chooses.  Similar to today's weather, life can be gorgeous but cold.  The beauty of living is why you want to live but the coldness it can bring has you sitting on edge at times, awaiting the storm.

I'm sadden this week to see tragedy hit somewhat close to home with the death of my former teammate and the head injury of my former classmate.  It makes me want to yell "I love you" to the world, and "I appreciate you"... just in case I never get to tell those who need to hear it from me.  Today, Ed Reed must play a very important game that decides whether his 2010-2011 football season ends today.  He must somehow take the pain and hurt that he feels from the death of his brother, and place it on the field.  He will literally play his heart out.

With each of the NFL playoff games being played, this given Sunday could potentially be the end of anyone's season.  In the same way that any given day could potentially be the end of something crucial in your life... or everything.  You know the funny thing about trials and tribulations, is that they have a way of inspiring.  The pain you feel can lead you to discover a passion or become reacquainted with an old one, to do good for someone else who is going through the same as you or ten times worse, to finally let go of all of the small things that have been plaguing you... or to play the game of your life that could add to your legacy.

I'm pretty in purple today... black and purple love no matter today's outcome.  My heart goes out to Ed Reed and his family and to anyone else going through a tragedy at this very moment.  

"TRUST IN THE LORD WITH ALL THINE HEART AND LEAN NOT UNTO THINE OWN UNDERSTANDING." ~Proverbs 3:5 *my sanity*

La Femme Fatale

(Saturday, January 8, 2011)

 "Nice = headache & irritation", quoted strongly by a friend of mine via twitter yesterday, and I agree! Why is that the case?  Why is it that just when you have decided to befriend someone and/or let your guard down, Dr. Jekyll appears?

Society is so quick to gang up against a female deemed "la femme fatale" (the fatal woman), yet the fatal, bitchy females seem to not have it so bad.  Their careers consist of head exec, "The Devil Wears Prada" positions... or some teeny-bopper network gives them their own spin-off show from the reality show that they tormented and terrorized.  Their social life is swarmed with thousands of readers, viewers, social network friends and followers who are dying to hear what the "bitch" has to say next... while their love life is full of alleged grown folks groveling at their feet trying to be the one who finds the soft spot in the wicked witch of the West.

Let's face it, the angry customer gets the store gift card while the customer who decided to let it go gets a "have a nice day", if that even.  Does all of this mean that we should revert to being evil in order to be successful in life?  Will being "the fatal woman" really bring peace and a soul mate?  Ha! I highly doubt it.  I am a strong believer in karma.  The bitch may appear to be living up all of life advantages at the moment, but stands a greater chance of ending up alone and bitter when it's all said and done.  It's just hard to stay away from "your evil side" after your kindness has been tested and taken for granted time and time again.  For instance, you're nice to a guy... you let your guard down... and then in a lot of cases... the guy gets scared of future entrapment or he realizes that he has you and doesn't see much need in continuing all of the nice things that caused you to finally let your guard down .  Sounds like a situation that could make the sweetest of the sweet become fatal.

I'm sorry society, my conscious won't let me commit to "la femme fatale" no matter how hard I try.  If being sweet and nice to someone brings headache and irritation, then take it as your body's way of telling you that they're bad for your health.  I don't know about you, but I like being happy.  My Forensics teacher in high school once told me that everyone has their days, that you never know what struggle and pain someone has endured before they crossed your path that day.  She continued to stress, to learn to let them be instead of adding to their anger to prove a point... mainly because, tomorrow you could be going through the exact same thing.  I'm sure every acclaimed diva, bitch, and femme fatale once was a sweetheart during sometime in their life... but that's just it... how strong are you really if you allow life to replace your halo with devil's horns?  If anything, it takes a more assured person to remain who they are despite everyone else.

As a result, I'll save my femme fatale nature for when it truly matters... Any other time, I am "la bien-aime", the sweetheart ;)

"I've come to believe that all my past failure and frustration were actually laying the foundation for the understandings that have created the new level of living I now enjoy." ~Tony Robbins