A Different Kind of Lovin'

Rumor has it that I'm bad in answering and returning phone calls... so says a few close friends of mine.  I object and completely disagree with this statement!!! You know how it is sometimes, you truly get engulfed or distracted by something that you were doing when they called.  Your friends though, your closes ones at that, the ones who know your day to day schedule, will call you during the most awkward times of your day... times where day in and day out you are not available.

They'll call you when they know you are still asleep, taking your daily nap, at work where talking on the phone is NOT even an option, booed up, or away somewhere where your cellphone is the last thing on your mind or not even accessible.  Then they'll wonder why you haven't answered their calls lol... c'mon now deviant callers known as the friends that I love dearly, call me when I'm actually free! haha.  It may sound like I'm nagging or complaining, but I'm not.  My circle of friends has just been getting on me about this lately, so I wanted to tease them.  This blog entry doesn't even have anything to do with missed calls.  Instead it's about the ones in our lives who we love like family but aren't related to us by blood, not one drop... our FRIENDS... more specifically... our close friends, known as our CIRCLE.  This blog entry is dedicated to my Trio! Established @ Howard University... prior & post.  This is truly a different kind of lovin'.

Most of us have probably heard of the saying that goes something like "as you get older you don't lose friends, you find out who your real ones are."  Don't quote me, but you get the gist of it.  When you get older, you go through these phases where you begin to distant yourself from certain people.  Either because your interest are no longer the same, they've done something unacceptable to you or someone close to you, or you feel as if you can no longer deal with their immature and/or screwed up character.  From personal experience and observation, here are a few "friends", also known as associates who we all should avoid and RUN AWAY from if we call any of these types of people "friends". (Unless you fall into the same categories yourself).  They are as follows:

1. The Groupie. They want to use you for the limelight.  There is something that you have or something/someone that you have access to that they want or want to be around.  In a creepy way, sometimes it appears that they want to be you.
2. The Con Man. They lie and are sneaky = can't be trusted. You can't loan this friend anything because you'll never get it back.  They will connive their way into getting whatever it is that they need out of you.  From a sad story, for sympathy... to a "you get this round of drinks, I got the next one!"... which you know won't  happen! 
3. The Attention Whore.  They want every bit of attention that you receive, no matter if it's from the opposite sex, other fellow friends, an employer, a coach, family etc.  They want it all!  And they'll leave you high and dry out in the cold to get what they want!
4. The Flirt. Not to be confused with The Attention Whore, but they do go hand and hand.  This person craves feeling like the most beautiful/flyest thing out there... and if that means feeling as if they could take your girl/man away from you then so be it.  You don't feel comfortable with them around your boyfriend/girlfriend or even just someone who you have a crush on or are somewhat interested in.
5. The Tabloid. They always have negative things to say about other people and/or are always gossiping about someone.  9 times out of 10 when you aren't around they dog you hard as hell and tell all of your business.
6. The Hater. They belittle you.  They are so stuck on themselves, or jealous of what you have that the only way to make themselves feel better is to diss everything that you have and anything that goes good for you.
7. The Spoiled Brat. They're selfish.  When the going gets tough for you, they are no where to be found.  They want you there for them for everything, and will be quick to call you out if you're not.  Strangely they turn into David Blaine and disappear when you need them most.
8. The Dropout. This friend really has no ambition or the goals that they have are crazy.  They bring you down... always wanting to get into trouble of some sort.  They may even clown and make jokes about you and your success/drive to succeed in front of other nobodies.
9. The Love Sick Puppy. With this friend, any man/girl/boo that comes into their life is immediately placed in front you.  Once this friend is "in love" you can say goodbye to any and everything that you did to hang out.  They make it clear that you are only priority and important when they are single and lonely... but yet you are the first one they call as soon they get played.
10. The Dependent.  You might as well start claiming this friend on your taxes!  It is soooo important that you are there for them for literally EVERYTHING.  They call you with questions like, "I don't know if I should breathe today? What do you think?"  If it weren't for you, this poor sole wouldn't know how to function properly.
 

There maybe some other types that you can think of, but the aforementioned ones are people who I've come across.  By the age of 25, these people NEED to be completely gone out of your life! I've gone away from having a big circle of friends.  I used to have a big circle that I talked to about life and my feelings... to only find out later that those people couldn't be trusted.  It hurts when you lose a good friend.  When a person becomes a good friend, it's as if they become a part of your family.  Whether you hate them or not... there is always a bit of nostalgia from funny, crazy, and wacky moments that you've had together.  And what sucks, are the moments when you look back when that person was there for you for a particular situation, or the moments when you remember actually feeling brother/sisterhood... it makes you ask yourself... What went wrong??

I've honestly battled with that question a few times, too many times for my liking.  Too many times to where it's made me sit down and question my own state of mind and ability to be a good friend.  Maybe it's me I considered?  But then those remaining good friends of mine, pointed out that I have a good heart, which causes me to give someone too much credit when they've shown me signs that they didn't deserve that much credit in the first place.  Yea, I'm definitely past that point now.  My senior year of college, after the elementary/middle/and underclassmen friend fumbles and tests, after I myself had to mature... I found my true circle of friends.

My circle is very small indeed.  These people have been there for me through my most trying times without ever judging me or making me feel ashamed for any mistake or choice that I've made.  They have never tried to hate, support me in literally EVERYTHING that I want to do and have done!  They have always told me the truth when it came to guys, even physically hurt for me as I went through some very trying times in maturing.  We are each quirky and different in our way, but we understand that about one another.  We all have ambition, spirituality, beauty, and brains.  I pray that these ladies remain my close circle forever... and that I am as a good friend to them as they are to me.  My big brother from another mother, Ray, gets an honorable mention for all of the above reasons as well (but I won't put his photo up without his approval lol).  I don't regret any friend ordeal that I've had.  Just as in any ordeal in life, you live and you learn.  And those who matter will be around throughout that process.  If you wouldn't settle for a mate, then why settle for a friend.

“Truly great friends are hard to find, difficult to leave, and impossible to forget.” ~Anonymous

My Skin is Brown...

(Wednesday, January 12, 2011)

  "Four Women" Nina Simone Tribute. Kelly Price, Marsha Ambrosius, Jill Scott, Ledisi.

I know Black Girls Rock aired months ago, but I had to post this performance for the purposes of this entry.  Every time I watch this tribute, I literally get chills.  The black female is by far one of God's most special creations and probably the most complicated.  I normally have something to tell you as to what inspired my blog entry, but today, it was merely looking into the mirror.  While taking my hair down this morning, dazed, staring into my vanity, I thought to myself "wow, I am truly a beautiful woman."  In no way am I trying to be conceited or cocky, but sometimes you need to really look into a mirror and make that realization... especially us black women.  We deal with and have dealt with so much in society, yet are ridiculed and made fun of so often... by sadly... one another and our black male counterparts.  Twitter jumps when topics like "hood hoes" are trending.  Music videos are full of boricuas and red bones.  Society places the "home wrecker" label quickly onto budding black women in entertainment. Ridiculous.

In a discussion I had with a few women my age a while back, the consensus was that black women are the hardest on one another.  We bicker, we fight, we hate.  To an extent I agree.  As females, we definitely need to do better with our respect for one another.  But personally, I feel that black men are the hardest on black women.  Here it is 2011, and I still hear black men making comments implying that dark skin women aren't beautiful.  So I guess the rest of her has nothing to do with it??? Just her skin color??? Really though???  A man will date a woman, but through the process tell her how he wants her to wear her hair, how he wants her to dress, what food he wants her to eat, what amount of make-up she should wear.  He'll belittle what she finds entertaining, constantly benefit from her kindness yet quickly call her a nag or bitch when she finally stands up for herself.  Sometimes when I see all of this happening, I just want to yell STOP!

My black men, women in general are already insecure in so many facets.  The most confident, most beautiful woman has insecurities.  Black women compete because the black man puts them against one another with out even realizing he's doing so.  A man will constantly make comments to his woman about how attractive a celebrity is, and never think that maybe it's getting to her head.  Sad to say, females react.  It's in our genetic make-up.  God gave us all of these emotions, so we could be excellent mothers and nurturers... so we could be loving with our children, supportive to our husbands, and empathetic to society.

Black women are indeed strong, but we endure a lot that I don't think anyone but a black woman can comprehend completely.  I am a young, black, female Head Coach in a man's world.  If only you knew some of things that I have had to go through in order to gain respect.  We are two times the minority.  Our sexuality always has to be guarded when things like rape and "hoe" labels exist.  Our womanhood has to be easily recognizable to be wanted, yet our backbone has to be present to be respected.  Then as black women, we are expected to be stronger than the average woman.  I know that black women aren't innocent in the making judgments department, but I don't think black men understand the magnitude of impact that they possess.  When you give a woman assurance that everything is okay, then she will be okay because you are her king.  I would hope that a race which has faced so much prejudice and ridicule as a whole, would see how much they need one another.  We are each others biggest and worst critics when we need to be each others biggest and best supporters.  My brown people, learn to love beautiful for what it is and not for what you think it should be.  Learn to encourage.  Black men, my kings, you have my support... but all I, your queen, ask for is yours.

"As far as I knew white women were never lonely, except in books. White men adored them, Black men desired them and Black women worked for them." ~Maya Angelou

When Life Gets Ugly... Act like a lady

(Friday, January 7, 2011)

Time and time again as young ladies we are told that we are supposed to act like a lady when life gets ugly, but this generation can be a bit confusing.  We have the strong, independent women around us who are happy and proud to say that they absolutely, positively do NOT need a man in their lives, are the head of their household, and often times play the "angry woman" role if you dare get her order wrong in a restaurant.  Then we have the women who are traditional and old-fashion.  These are stereotypically women with strong southern roots who feel that being submissive to a man is key to gaining you one and having a gorgeous family together.  These women would not mind being homemakers, and may even look down upon women who were never married or had their children out of wedlock.

These two contradictions of a female make it difficult for those of us in our 20s who are just now feeling out the world.  I often find myself in tough situations, never knowing if it is the time for me to show that I am not a weak female… or if I must act like a lady at all cost and choose my battles.  No matter how I decide to handle my battles and/or my business, life gets ugly.  Since graduating from college in 2007, I have seen life turn its ugly head.  From financial issues, to school issues, to male drama, and family drama… life gets ugly.  The ugliness of life is what inspired this blog, because like myself, 90% of the world does not know the best way to handle life when it gets ugly. Hell, more than a quarter of that 90% probably doesn't even know who they are yet.  Looking into a mirror every day trying to decide whether their conscious is stable enough to take the pretty road or the ugly one... most who haven't even been able to look themselves in the mirror and give a definite answer as to whether God made them pretty or not.


I am not claiming to be a guru, therapist, or even a socialite.  I am merely a young lady who loves to write and desperately needs to rediscover this outlet for venting and learning myself how to deal with life when it reels its ugly head.  Let this blog be not a place for me to tell you what to do, but for me to help provoke thought, say what you have been thinking.  Maybe someone will stumble across a piece that I wrote one day and give me a profound answer as to what to do when things get ugly.

As a woman who has always been told to “act like a lady”, I feel that it’s time to be myself in those moments; whether that means that I want to scream, yell, cry, curse, spit, or say nothing.  In my opinion, getting pretty is an outlet.  Pretty as in finding a way to get pretty happy, pretty faithful, pretty strong, or just simply getting pretty.  As of now, when things get ugly I just be myself as opposed to "acting" anything.  Simply put... when life gets ugly, let’s learn to get pretty something more often.

"We have to learn to be our own best friends because we fall too easily into the trap of being our own worst enemies."  ~Roderick Thorp, Rainbow Drive