So Who's Timing This?

You wake up one morning, sad, angry, irritable, empty, overwhelmed... and you can barely put your finger on the depth of the problem or the solution.  You try to place whatever it is at the back of your mind, and you somewhat succeed.  That is until a flat tire makes you late for work, someone sends you an angry text for something that you're not aware that you did, a bill still has yet to be paid but your bank account is on E, etc.  Then all of those emotions come rushing right back to the forefront, making you feel as if you have 99 problems weighing heavily on your heart.  99 problems, of course, is the mother to our bad days.  And bad days, at times, seem damn near impossible to avoid or get around.  I've had plenty of mornings where I woke up with things just not feeling right.  I then found myself fighting the side of me that wanted to not move from my bed in an attempt to hide from my frustrations.  I believed that if I stayed in bed all day nothing else bad could happen.  That never worked... one, I can't sit still, two, I'm always busy, and three, that makes absolutely no sense.

I'm bringing all of this up because yesterday was one of those days for me.  After having such a good week, the start of my weekend was disappointing and irritating from one reason after the other.  I eventually made it through my sad Saturday.  Woke up this morning instead, realizing that I hadn't been to church the past couple of weeks.  For a while, I had done well in getting myself acquainted in re-establishing my fellowship.  I'll be honest with you though... I still am not one who attends church every single Sunday, but I am spiritual and a strong believer of faith just as much as the next person.  Some of you may be thinking that it's not good to go to church merely when times get tough.  That you're supposed to show a consistent praise and worship of God, and this goes for almost every denomination.  Well, who's to say that because you don't attend church on a regular basis that you worship and praise God any less than the man who's always there?  When times get tough, your faith is where you are to turn if I'm correct.  Indeed I was always taught that church was for sinners, not for saints.  You attend for the fellowship, the ministry, and to learn God's word.  You attend to gain a sense of peace within yourself and with God, even if it's just for a moment.  Just so you can say that you know peace as you try to discover how to have it permanently.  Today I went to my church, (Browns Memorial Baptist Church in Baltimore) searching for all of the above and all of the above I received.

When you first walk into your place of worship, there's an ease that naturally comes over you immediately.  Everyone appears happy to be there (except for the kids who were forced there by a grandma lol).  Everyone's happy to be alive and see another day, happy as if they've been looking forward all week for church on Sunday.  I must admit, that has been me a couple of times.  For whatever reason, I was excited to attend church on Sunday... excited to experience some sort of cleansing and/or epiphany.  As I walked into church today, I was greeted and given blessings.  And no I do not know everyone in my church.  I come, sit in my spot, and relax.  I do, however, at least let my guard down.  We all are here for fellowship.  These people could be mean and evil on a regular basis for all I know, but within the thresholds of worship everyone becomes one another's angels.  Today we read scripture from the bible that touched my soul, God's words to his children indeed (Isiah 43:1-4).  The youth dance ministry danced to "Thirsty" by Marvin Sapp (click to listen). The choir sang two songs about being thankful, which led the entire church to have a 15-20min "praise break" where people cried and shouted "thank you" with their hands extended.  All eventually leading to my pastor, Dr. R. Lee Johnson, giving a sermon on the signs of depression and re-discovering your spirituality through extremely difficult times.  My church may fit the mold of the stereotypical "black church" but it's what I know, it's what I enjoy.  I carry my faith from what I've learned/experienced, and how I see fitting. 

When my pastor was done the message of his sermon... he took a moment to share the battle that he's been dealing with in recently losing his mother.  It was easy to notice that it was still a very sensitive topic for him, probably will always be.  He didn't preach to us about the dealings with his mother; instead he just talked to the church, told us how it affected him so badly to the point where he didn't even want to preach any longer.  Gave us a testimony to his triumph.  And while everyone sat silently listening to his story, empathetic to his pain, a deacon who sat on the front row, began shouting and speaking in tongues.  I'm not a holy ghost believer per say, but this man is normally a quiet man.  Never shouts, always to himself as long as I've been attending this church.  It was chilling almost.  Again, out of my church's norm, the pastor asked us to join him at the altar post-sermon as he prayed.  As I looked around, I saw tears rolling down everyone's faces... and before I knew it, I too fell victim to tears.  I didn't even know what I was crying for, but I couldn't stop.  Even as empathetic as I am, these days post-everything I've overcome thus far... it takes a lot for me to cry.  I was embarrassed at first, trying to wipe them before anyone noticed but the tears continued to flow.  I then remembered that I was in my place of worship, so it was okay to release whatever I needed to release.  I was supposed to do so.

During the altar prayer, I kept going over in my head areas of life that my pastor was touching on during his prayer and had spoke of during his sermon.  Normally, I write these things down as he speaks and this Sunday wasn't any different.  He spoke of how the "lord has already brought you from things you thought you couldn't handle, why would he fail you now?"  How "there's no need for people to be in your space if all they're going to do is disrupt your spirit."  How sometimes you just need to ask people to leave you be and let you have your moment with God to work things out.  How God uses adversity sometimes to bring us closer to our faith... and that "when God sees your faithfulness in the midst of your pain, that he will turn it into light."  He reminded us that "God will restore our joy" where ever, whenever, if ever we lose it.

Today's service helped me remember how blessed I am, and how sometimes you need to just spend the time praising and thanking who ever you pray to for keeping you blessed.  He suggested that we all find a verse, or a few verses that we can hold on to when times get tough... that we meditate and pray.  All of which are in sync with "Eat, Pray, Love".  What stuck out the most to me today was a certain quote he kept repeating.  "He (God) may not come when you want him, but he's always on time."  Timing is indeed everything, as in God having me attend church today knowing that I'd take every bit of it that was for me.  The verse that I own, Proverbs 3:5 "Trust in the Lord with all thine heart, and lean not unto thine own understanding" revolves around timing.  Suggesting that you just trust that God will take care of it, in due time.  I give everyone else the advice of waiting your turn and for your time.  That if your heart is confused, hurt, lost, angry... in God's time, things will change for the better.  Today's service gave me a better understanding of why having a place of worship is important.  We don't have all the answers, but in the presence of such positivity in a world where that doesn't happen often... a place of worship allows you to let go.   Even if you only go to your place of worship when you really need it, God sends you there that day because there is something that he wants you to hear and/or experience. Ultimately, it's all about timing.  You may think your urge of fellowship is dependent solely on how you're feeling or just because you believe it's time... when actually, every second of your life has already been strategically scheduled through God's timing.  You're merely controlling the DVRed version.

Here are a few songs that have always been my ABSOLUTE favorite examples of "ministry through music".  I prefer saying ministry through music because that's truly what it is...  
Click and be blessed :)

"I Won't Complain" by Rev. Paul Jones

"I Told The Storm" by Greg O'Quinn & Joyful Noize

"Midnight" by Brent Jones, TP Mobb, Coko (from SWV)

"Hold Me Now" by Kirk Franklin & GP

"My Desire" by Kirk Franklin, Fred Hammond, & GP

Any Given Sunday

 (Sunday, January 9, 2011)

On this gorgeous but cold, NFL Sunday in Baltimore, Maryland... I'd like to introduce the die-hard sports fan, glued to the t.v. each and every NFL Sunday, football fanatic herself! Me of course :)  This Sunday is special though, why?  Because the home team plays a big game today.  And in honor of my Baltimore Ravens beginning their post season play this afternoon against the Kansas City Chiefs, I dedicate this blog to them!

The picture to the left is none other than Baltimore Raven's free safety, and in my opinion, one of the best defensive players to ever play in the NFL... Edward Earl Reed, Jr.  In the wake of today's game excitement, the Raven's are also dealing with a sense of somberness.  Just two days ago, Ed Reed's younger brother went missing and is now presumed drowned after he allegedly jumped into the Mississippi River to allude police.  Officers were said to be chasing him because the car he was driving was believed to be stolen.  A car at which his mother is adamant was not stolen and belongs to a family member.

I don't know about you but this story sounds fishy.  Why would his brother willingly jump into a river to escape?  I'm sorry but purposely jumping into a random body of water is something that us black folks just don't do.  Then if he were drowning, why didn't any decorated, aiming to "protect and serve" officer go in after him?  Did they not see him jump?  And if they did not see him jump, then how did they conclude that he had jumped?  He could've slipped and fell for all we know.  Too many unanswered questions.  I'm not a detective or anything, but I wouldn't be surprised if this story involved foul play.

How I see it, his brother could've been a victim off a black man driving in the wrong part of the south.  The cops probably pulled him over, looking for something wrong; to then see that the car was not registered to him.  Suddenly it was assumed that the black man must've stolen the car in an attempt to arrest and harass him.  His brother probably ran for his life, knowing what was about to happen or what was already happening and no one was around to watch (Rodney King-like possibilities).  Or even worse, the cops might've done a number on him and rid of the poor boy's body.  I'd like the think that this isn't the case, but it's terrible to know that incidents like these are even still believable in 2011. 

 
Despite the craziness of this tragic case, sudden deaths and occurrences like these make you think.  In a couple of seconds, your life could be turned upside down.  This past week, a young man from my former track and field team died in a motorcycle accident, he was 25.  And a young lady I went to middle and high school with was in a horrendous head on collision that has left her barely moving in shock trauma, and the other driver deceased,  She too is 25.  Tragedy has no owner.  It comes and goes as it pleases, to whomever it chooses, whenever it chooses.  Similar to today's weather, life can be gorgeous but cold.  The beauty of living is why you want to live but the coldness it can bring has you sitting on edge at times, awaiting the storm.

I'm sadden this week to see tragedy hit somewhat close to home with the death of my former teammate and the head injury of my former classmate.  It makes me want to yell "I love you" to the world, and "I appreciate you"... just in case I never get to tell those who need to hear it from me.  Today, Ed Reed must play a very important game that decides whether his 2010-2011 football season ends today.  He must somehow take the pain and hurt that he feels from the death of his brother, and place it on the field.  He will literally play his heart out.

With each of the NFL playoff games being played, this given Sunday could potentially be the end of anyone's season.  In the same way that any given day could potentially be the end of something crucial in your life... or everything.  You know the funny thing about trials and tribulations, is that they have a way of inspiring.  The pain you feel can lead you to discover a passion or become reacquainted with an old one, to do good for someone else who is going through the same as you or ten times worse, to finally let go of all of the small things that have been plaguing you... or to play the game of your life that could add to your legacy.

I'm pretty in purple today... black and purple love no matter today's outcome.  My heart goes out to Ed Reed and his family and to anyone else going through a tragedy at this very moment.  

"TRUST IN THE LORD WITH ALL THINE HEART AND LEAN NOT UNTO THINE OWN UNDERSTANDING." ~Proverbs 3:5 *my sanity*

Eating, Praying, Loving

(Friday, January 7, 2011)

 

Last night, around 6 o'clock in the evening, I decided to grab a pack of Keebler's Fudge Striped cookies, a steak and cheese sandwich, a cup of Minute Maid Berry Punch, and watch a movie that I had been dying to see... "Eat, Pray, Love".  While everyone else was stuck in bumper to bumper rush hour traffic, standing on a crowded train, or lugging a day's worth of work into their respective places of residence... I was already winding down for the night.

In case you have been locked in a cave and have absolutely no idea what "Eat, Pray, Love" is about, let me fill you in briefly.  It stars the magnificent Julia Roberts (Pretty Woman), as she finds herself newly divorced and on a quest to regain herself through traveling, eating, meditating, praying, and eventually loving with the help of an old tooth-less medicine man from what I call Bally-wood.  Simply put, she's has a mid-life crisis.  Of course this movie sounds like your average chick flick, but it was extremely insightful.  It's based on the memoirs of Elizabeth Gilbert... meaning this was indeed an actual woman's journey.

I am not a huge fan of the average lovey-dovey chick flick.  Why?  Because, unless I am madly in love with someone, those movies tend to make me jealous and bring on unwanted nostalgia. "Eat, Pray, Love" was different.  For majority of the movie, Julia Roberts' character didn't have a love interest... her focus was more on finding herself.  When adults who are 40 and over began to search for themselves, we generally call that a mid-life crisis.  However, I believe that there is a thing such as "20's life crisis".  Post college you hit a point, as you get closer to 30, when you realize that life isn't making sense anymore.  Your dreams no longer seem attainable, and you're not even sure if you want to pursue that area further anyway.  Your friends begin to get married and start their families, graduate from law/medical/grad school, make big moves across country; and if you are not doing any of the above then you feel as if you're being left behind.  Eventually you find yourself on a quest to find... well, yourself.

You went through 4 years (or more) of undergrad believing that you had it all figured out.  Then life shows up somewhere between the graduation dinner and 2nd career change making you feel as if you have a long way to go.  I think everyday, "damn, so I'm going to be working for the rest of my life?"  That's when you realize that you are screwed if you don't find your passion soon.  And around the 5th or 6th date, and/or major argument with your gf/bf you realize that marriage is a long ways away if you don't find a boo soon.  Funny because the average person knew that life would be grand and perfect at 26.  Well who is to say that it isn't.  Just because you haven't reached your goals doesn't mean that you're not on the right track.  This is where eating, praying, and loving come into play.

I'm not perfect.  I myself am going through my "20s life crisis" which is why I can define it so exact.  I feel as if I'm so close to having almost everything I want but as if it's being dangled in front of my face like a T-bone steak covered in Kibbled and Bits being dangled in front of a starving dog who just left Noah's Arc.  Every other week I'm motivated and passionate about my future.  Then as soon as life throws me a lemon I'm knocked off track and back questioning where I'm headed.

The "20s Life Crisis" exists now because our generation is so far ahead of its time.  Those of us in our 20s are the moving force that created social networks like Twitter, Facebook, and Myspace.  We are the ones who pushed the campaign that put our nation's first black president in office.  We are the ones who weren't drafted into war, but signed up voluntarily despite knowing that our country is currently at war.  Our generation is so used to urgency.  We need to take a minute, breathe, and think about this.  Life still moves at its own pace, no matter how fast we receive emails now.  It's okay if you haven't discovered yourself yet.  Julia Roberts' character had a mid-life moment to finally find balance.  If we take our time now, then we can avoid having a drastic change and mental breakdown post 40.

In the movie, Julia Roberts encounters several people on her journey who help her learn how to simply appreciate the person that she is and her blessings.  She meditates and prays every morning, and eats what her heart desires... because this is what makes her happy.  Not the material things, the jobs, the husband, the things that we feel we are supposed to have in life.  She learns how to make herself happy.  And got dammit if food makes you happy, eat it!  As long as you have your ambition and a dream... things will start to fall into place on their own.  As you can see Julia Roberts' character didn't sit around and cry the whole movie, stressing doesn't make anything come faster.  I whole-heartedly believe that God's assistance will come into play when it's your turn anyway.... that's the praying part ya know. Lastly, there's this thing called love... it happens... but will only thrive when you yourself are complete.

Lessons I learned from "Eat, Pray, Love":

1. When you find yourself obsessing over the past... wish him or her love in your mind... then drop it.

2. The space that you're using in your head worrying and obsessing needs to be removed so that that space can be filled with new and wonderful blessings.

3. Learn how to simply empty your thoughts... meditate.

4. Pray everyday.

5. To be balanced does involve loving and being loved, but after you have found balance within yourself.

6. Don't just exist... stop always waiting for things to happen.

7. Appreciate those and those things that make you happy.

8. Know when it's time... whether to change, to move on, to grow, to let go... Peace is the end result.

There were many other lessons in this movie, but I leave the rest for you to make your own interpretations.  I suggest watching this movie alone so that you can grasp the lessons and really identify with Julia Robert's character through your true emotions.  The title makes so much sense in explaining the essentials of life... essentials that I know will get me through my "20s Life Crisis"... eating, praying, and loving.  

"People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life."  ~Elizabeth Gilbert, author of Eat, Pray, Love.