Bandwagoners... They do exist!

Oprah at my college graduation... HOWARD UNIV C/O 2007

"Failure is God's way of pointing you into another direction!"  Spokenly beautifully by Miss Oprah Winfrey herself at my college graduation.  Makes you want to re-evaluate the age-old question, "what do you want to be when you grow up?'  The question we're asked constantly growing up, or at least it was in my household.  Most little kid answers are always typical.  They all want to be doctors, lawyers, teachers, policemen, singers... you know, the usual.  All great professions but generic nonetheless.  I too went through the list of generic professions.  All throughout elementary and middle school I wanted to be a pediatrician, mostly because I was sick a lot with ear infections and such, so I paid my pediatrician (Dr. Lena Parikh) visits very often.  She was this sweet little Indian lady who always knew how to make me feel better and make the pain go away.   Then when I realized how much I despised science, I changed and wanted to be a teacher.  My mother and aunt were both teachers, two women who I admired and looked up to greatly.  I loved going to work with my mother prior to the start of the school year to help her decorate her classroom, and I used to beg her to let me assist with grading the piles and piles of papers she used to have stacked on the dining room table every Sunday.  But when I discovered how the pay scale for teachers actually worked my senior year of high school, I said never mind to teaching English and hello to being a lawyer.

Most of us who attend/attended college, enter college with big dreams of where we want to be in our lives and our profession.  Many of us even believe early on that we already know how we're going to get there... but then something happens.  The area of study that you thought you loved starts kicking your ass and dropping your g.p.a.  Internships or the non-existence of them make you question the path you're supposed to take to get to where you want to be.  Guest speakers brought in by your professors speak on more minuses than pluses.  You watch friends of yours who had the balls and money to switch their majors finally start to hum a happy tune... making you tamper with the idea of switching your major even though you know you'd never really do it this late in the game.  These type of things lead to us having that bit of doubt and uncertainty sitting in our subconscious even after we have landed the job we thought we wanted or a graduate school seat.

I see so many proclaimed experts writing blogs and telling the world what it is that they want to do, and I feel as if half of us are taking the cop out.  Most of the blogs I come across and actually take the time to read talk about fashion, or the author is somehow trying to be the next Necole Bitchie or spawn another YBF site.  Everyone swears "fashion is their passion" and they deem themselves PR specialists and publicity geniuses but can barely write a proper press release or have no idea what I'm talking about.  The majority of us have a passion for fashion, what budding 20 something year old doesn't?  Then we have those who are striving for entrepreneurship.  I admire you, I do.  But if I see another link to a website that contains 5 articles of clothing and 1 piece of jewelry that you want me to "add to my cart" when it should really read "add to my bite-sized basket" because there's not much to choose from... I'm going to scream.  Is this why you don't mind being unemployed?  Clearly someone else is either paying their bills, helping them pay the bills, or their family is wealthy enough anyway where it really doesn't matter.

The killer, is the law school phenomenon.  Everyone, and I mean EVERYONE is/have/or will be applying to law school amidst post graduation.  Most of whom probably never really considered it but like any other "trend", jumped on the bandwagon.  I will admit, that once was my own aspiration.  The difference is, I actually went to Howard for law, studying the ins and outs of what it would take to be a lawyer.  I remember the weekends spent in the law library with my classmates writing memos and appellate briefs, as our teacher called himself getting us ready for our first year of law school.  I was really good at it according to my professors.  The pre-law teacher who made us write these weekly briefs applauded me on my work, making me one of his few A students.  My business law teacher wrote a note on one of my exams about how excellent my case analysis was and that I should definitely pursue a legal career.  All of these instances somehow weren't enough for me.  I lost my excitement mid-first semester of my senior year.  I was no longer completely sure that I saw myself as a lawyer.

As a result, I never took the LSAT and I didn't apply to any law schools.  Instead, I applied to a graduate Communications Master's program in order to give myself more time to figure out what I want to be.  I tapped into my athletic side and gave the sports world a try.  I interned with the Baltimore Ravens, and I was only 1 of 2 graduate students.  Everyone else was just barely entering undergrad.  I ended up hating the internship and decided to give Towson's marketing department a try, again as an assistant/intern.  The marketing part was interesting but what I fell in love with was higher-education itself.  Higher-ed was where I saw myself, whether in admissions, compliance, advising/teaching, or athletics... I wanted to have a career within the university world.  Not your average generic career aspiration.  A want that comes with explanation whenever someone ask me what is it that I wish to do.

My little cousin London and I at his High School graduation.

I yearned to be in a position of helping young adults.  Young adults who have already made it this far to pursue their education after high school but aren't sure where to go next.  Society does so much to get us to college and know the importance of it, yet we are forgotten about once we get there.  Here we are, 18 years old, entering a degree program that could determine the rest of our lives... and they honestly expect us to already be sure that this is the field we want to spend the rest of our lives working in?  Why not allow students not to pick up a major until their sophomore year?  Yes, the undecided major exists, but we all know that it's frowned upon.  The freshman year at most colleges/universities are full of core and basic classes anyway.  Why not for that first semester have freshmen take their core classes with the addition of a career class on resume building/etiquette, and another class that explores the different fields that are out there.  Then their second semester or so they can begin to choose a major of study.  It's like showing them what's really out there and truly giving them more time to think or even be just a little bit more sure with the field they've selected.

I'll never forgot the college journey of one of my teammates at Howard.  In high school she ran track and danced.  She wasn't sure what career path she wanted to choose but because Howard had an exceptional fine arts program she chose to major in dance.  When she got into the program, she was absolutely miserable.  Each day in freshmen orientation, another teammate of mine would come into the classroom in her Howard Track & Field gear.  And each day, the dancer, envied the athlete... reflecting back on her days of running in high school.  She cried every night, confused.  Then one day, she said f*ck it and elected out of the dance program and into advertising.  She walked onto the track team, not knowing anyone.  We, the track team, all already knew one another and wondered who this girl was who hurdled as if she were doing ballet.  Eventually, we fell in love with her sweet spirit and remarkable talent.  She ended up being such a crucial part to our team, winning All-MEAC honors in her first outdoor championship collegiate meet, running on two relays that qualified for the NCAA regionals, and most importantly earning her way into a full track scholarship.  And as far as her career goes, she got herself a job in advertising right out of college with a big time corporation.  None of this would've been possible if she had remained miserable as a dance major.

I say all of this because this young lady/former teammate of mine was able to have enough courage to go against the norm.  There are so many people, of all ages, who feel stuck in a career, a field, a job, or a study.  You know, life is funny about the direction it takes us in.  It has the power to show us that just when we think we have it all figured out, we're wrong.  I'm trying my best to stay away from the norm and officially put my once law school dreams behind me, because the reality is that law school is no longer my dream.  The reality is that now, I have a sight on my higher-ed career dreams, the completion of my MS degree, and the studying of my Doctorate in the next 5 years.  I feel comfortable and assured when I say this.  I don't feel forced.  There's no bandwagon that I'm apart of.  And if I had to go back to school to get another certificate or certification in a different field, I would.  Anything to avoid being an old person who hates going to work, feeling as if something is missing, awaiting my retirement for a chance at my passion.  We are going to be working for the rest of our lives, or for the majority of it anyway.  That is a long time to be waking every morning dreading going to work.  It's time to figure something out now people.  Today ask yourself, "what do you want to be NOW that you are grown up?"  Your answer, these days, might just surprise you.

"This is Jay everyday, no compromise.  No compass comes with this life, just eyes.  So to map it out, you must look inside.  Sure books can guide you, but your heart defines you." ~JayZ, Beach Chair

They're Playing Our Song!!!

Due to the inclement weather this week... I've been stuck in the house wasting my brain away with television, twitter, and redbox dvds *straight face*.  Seriously, each night amidst nightly phone conversations, I religiously tune into the same re-ran and syndicated sitcoms = = = =>>>> A Different World, Living Single, and Martin on TvOne.  These shows are then followed by a quick station change to catch whatever sitcoms Nickelodeon's Nick @ Nite  airs for the remainder of the night.  This night, however, went a bit differently.  My usual line up of sitcoms served a purpose greater than simple television entertainment, they inspired a blog entry.  Tonight's episode of A Different World dealt with Ron discovering this crazy want that he had for Freddie, even though he was dating Kim.  Living Single of course is always centered around a dating story line, hence its title.  While Martin chronicled Martin and Gina's break-up, which ended in a duet of Rick James and Teena Marie's Fire and Desire.

Every show I tuned into tonight focused on a situation of love and/or secret crushes and desires.  And in each story line, us viewers were aware of the male character's true feelings for a particular female character; while she remained left in the dark.  So with twitter being the birthplace of profound/scholarly thoughts that warrant deep and controversial discussion (sarcasm alert!), I tweeted the following:

I know guys really b in their room/car 

singing love songs, thinking about a girl lol. 

When a female gets u to that point, u need to wife her

Please ignore the bad grammar and mechanics.  It was Twitter, and I had to make what I was thinking fit into 140 characters.  Anywho, I was hoping that a few of my male followers/friends would reply to this tweet, giving me some type of confirmation and insightfulness.  Instead, my female followers/friends gladly "retweeted" it.  No conversation, no discussion.  But the question relating to my aforementioned tweet still remains contested.  Females, of course we sing love songs to the top of our lungs.  We feel every lyric of a love song when a guy has our heart, and then that song becomes embedded in our brain and unofficially deemed "our" song.  We'll make a song "our" song not only because of it's relation lyrically, but because of a moment spent together while that song just so happened to be playing, even if it was just  while washing dishes.  We'll even give a guy we hate a song.  Why do you think females sing so hard to Beyonce's "Irreplaceable" or Lauryn Hill's "Ex-Factor"?  Those aren't really love songs.

I recall an episode of Fresh Prince when Will realized he was in love with Lisa, Nia Long's character.  He asked Uncle Phil, "how do you know when you're in love?"  And Uncle Phil replied, "you know you're in love, when those sappy love songs start making sense."  Now it's hard to justify that reasoning for females whole-heartedly because as I previously stated, we'll relate even a semi-love song to an underserving man.  We're always stuck in nostalgia.  For men though, is Uncle Phil right?  When you start loving, feeling, or even crushing hard on a woman... do love songs start meaning more to you?  Do men here Boyz II Men's I'll Make Love to You and start fantasizing about making love, not just having sex, but making love to a particular woman?  For my "thug life" gentlemen, instead of Boyz II Men, do you hear Method Man and Mary J. Blige's All I Need and think of how much she means to you?

If I'm wrong... and love songs aren't an indicator, then what is it that makes a man realize that he's got a good woman?  What makes a man see that his crush on her is deeper than any old crush, or that he's potentially in love?  And for any of this to occur, does this woman have to be your "woman", or can this woman be someone you're dating/talking to or someone you don't actually have because she is off limits?  As females, it is expected that we love hard.  When a guy grabs our heart, we don't mind telling the world.  For some of us, it may take some time to get to that point.  She may have to feel out the level of maturity between the two of them; decide whether or not he'll become an asshole when she lets her guard down or treat her like a queen.  But once she has her mind made up and has given him her heart, she'll give him her everything.

In my opinion, the male species isn't as cardio-deficient as he seems.  If anything, men love hard as well and hurt even harder.  When a man isn't comfortable with another man's actions around his woman, his jealousy and/or disapproval is felt without him being in the same room.  When a man crushes on a woman and decides that he wants her, he will do everything in his power to see her, to hang with her, to have her, to merely be in her presence.  When a man has made up his mind that a woman has his heart, he doesn't mind allowing her to be his soft spot.  And talk about hurting hard, you can always spot the guy whose had his heart broken early on in life.  He is the one that's usually quick to turn to womanizing, calling every woman a "broad" or "hoe", vowing to play her before she plays him.

Not trying to make myself out to be anyone's expert, I'm just curious as to what makes a woman the object of a man's love song?  What makes a man deem a song, "our song"?  I don't care how tough, macho, or manly a guy thinks he is... there's always at least one woman who can make him as soft as the next.  Fellas, the next time you're in your room or car and you catch yourself vibing to a love song with a certain woman consuming your thoughts; don't be ashamed.  You might be onto something. Take a moment to realize how much this woman might actually mean to you.  Just hope that she's singing the same kind of love song for you.  

“Music produces a kind of pleasure which human nature cannot do without.” ~Confucius

Hated for Being Beautiful

I had the intention of writing about something out of my norm today.  I know my title suggests a piece about models or something related to beauty image, but I'm sorry to have to burst any fashion-lover's bubble... this piece is about politics (oh no!)  Why not discuss a janky political system that lies within a government and society that hates people like me and our President... merely because of the beautiful skin color we are blessed to have.  After watching Obama's State of the Union addresss, I felt the need to get a few things about our lovely country off of my chest.

Probably more than half of the politically dormant American population tuned in to President Obama's speech.  I say this because my timeline on Twitter was literally all tuned in, most who I know don't have a political bone or care in their body.  And if that person happens to be you, don't worry, I don't plan to venture into statements made during his speech or give you an in-depth CNN analysis of his proposals for America.  Instead I'd just like to share with you what was personally provoked mentally through what I saw, not what I heard.

Is this not the funniest, but realest pic?

It's Washington, it's the government, so of course it is expected that the room of attendees present for Obama's speech were mostly white and male.  Most of whom actually stood up and clapped for a good amount of his speech.  So much that my followers on Twitter were begging for them to stop the interruptions.  But there, sitting behind President Obama, were Vice President Joe Biden (who I absolutely adore) and Speaker of the House, John Boehner.  Vice President Biden smiled and clapped in agreement with President Obama... I mean, he is his VP.  In contrast, I noticed that throughout President Obama's ENTIRE speech John Boehner had a horrendous look of disgust on his face, knowing that all of America could see his "I hate black people" facial expressions.  His clapping was obviously forced and full of sarcasm.  He looked as if it was paining him to sit there and watch a black man give the State of Union address as the President of the United States.  I didn't realize how much I missed the site and presence of Nancy Pelosi (former Speaker of the House), until tonight.

Back row, from right to left: Vice President Joe Biden. Speaker of the House (crybaby, RED-neck, literally) John Boehner

When Nancy Pelosi was still the Speaker of the House.  Is that smile for Obama Nancy? :)

Boehner's blatant and obvious stares of disapproval during Obama's speech was very much uncalled for and down right childish.  It's as if he was throwing a silent tantrum to himself.  Well Boehner, whether you like it or not, this man is your president... elected through the democratic system that America is proud to have and supposedly leading by example.  I love having the right to vote in this alleged democracy of ours, but how is it that in a country where a black man can be voted into office does so much racism and classism still exists? My  facebook and twitter friends brought to my attention today the Kelly Bolar case in Akron Ohio.  This case involves the harsh and extreme sentencing of a black mother who was jailed for lying on documents so her children did not have to attend the school around the projects where they lived.  Instead she used the kids father's address so they could attend a predominantly white school in their father's neighborhood which gave them better opportunities.

Now I don't know about you, but I know plenty of parents who have used the addresses of family members and friends so that they're kids could attend a better school.  I mean, honestly, since when did trying to give your children a better education warrant jail time?  Cases like Ms. Bolar's case, the Marcus Dixon case where a young black boy in Georgia was given a cruel sentencing after being falsely accused of raping his white girlfriend, the Jena 6 case where a group of black teens got into a fight with a group of white teens and then were wrongfully charged & given excessive sentencing while the white teens received none, the Oscar Grant killing where a black teen in Oakland was shot repeatedly by an officer as he laid helplessly in hand cuffs.  I could go on for days speaking of stories of injustice that have happened in this country over the last 6-7 years. 

I look at a country whose government has allowed cases and situations like the ones I mentioned to take place... a government who didn't come to the rescue of it's own people when Hurricane Katrina paralyzed a city and left too many to count dead or homeless... a government who watched business after business close, while day in and day out families found themselves on the streets because mom and dad were now unemployed.  I thought that all of these problems were why we, black and white America, chose Obama to be our President?  Because we, black and white America, knew that things were going horribly wrong.  I look at a country that has elected a black man as president but has slowly turned their backs on him as quickly as they put him in office, allowing fools like Boehner to change their opinions.

Some of the Hurricane Katrina aftermath

Sadly enough, the young Obama supporters are over the hype, the old Obama supporters are running out of steam, and everyone else is either indifferent or raising hell trying to bring his presidency down before he even completes his term.  People hate everything about a man who in the little time that he's been in office has improved the state of jobs, health care, and the war that we're fighting oversees.  The Republican Party, Tea Party, and other Obama opposers are doing everything in their power to undermine and belittle what he HAS done... fighting against him as he tries to alleviate issues as sensitive and significant as health care and helping poor and middle class families.  All I've seen from Obama opposers is pointing fingers, being angry with Obama for the sake of being angry.  This is not the time for the government to be against one another, okaying its citizens to hate one another.  The reality is that Obama is THEE president, so as our government officials support his efforts and do something... stop talking.

I watched the Republican and Tea Party commentary following President Obama's excellent speech and cringed at how hard they are trying to kill all Obama stands for; knowing that their Republican counterpart brought us into this mess.  President Obama has done more thus far than most president's have done their full term.  The beauty of living that he stands for is hated, simply because the beauty of his appearance involves a skin complexion that's brown. *sigh*  It all just angers me.  How are we not to hate in return, when for so many years we have faced hatred?  Will "America the beautiful" ever truly include ALL Americans?  I'm beginning to lose hope.

"But what we can do, as flawed as we are, is still see God in other people, and do our best to help them find their own grace. That's what I strive to do, that's what I pray to do every day." ~President, Barack Obama

So Who's Timing This?

You wake up one morning, sad, angry, irritable, empty, overwhelmed... and you can barely put your finger on the depth of the problem or the solution.  You try to place whatever it is at the back of your mind, and you somewhat succeed.  That is until a flat tire makes you late for work, someone sends you an angry text for something that you're not aware that you did, a bill still has yet to be paid but your bank account is on E, etc.  Then all of those emotions come rushing right back to the forefront, making you feel as if you have 99 problems weighing heavily on your heart.  99 problems, of course, is the mother to our bad days.  And bad days, at times, seem damn near impossible to avoid or get around.  I've had plenty of mornings where I woke up with things just not feeling right.  I then found myself fighting the side of me that wanted to not move from my bed in an attempt to hide from my frustrations.  I believed that if I stayed in bed all day nothing else bad could happen.  That never worked... one, I can't sit still, two, I'm always busy, and three, that makes absolutely no sense.

I'm bringing all of this up because yesterday was one of those days for me.  After having such a good week, the start of my weekend was disappointing and irritating from one reason after the other.  I eventually made it through my sad Saturday.  Woke up this morning instead, realizing that I hadn't been to church the past couple of weeks.  For a while, I had done well in getting myself acquainted in re-establishing my fellowship.  I'll be honest with you though... I still am not one who attends church every single Sunday, but I am spiritual and a strong believer of faith just as much as the next person.  Some of you may be thinking that it's not good to go to church merely when times get tough.  That you're supposed to show a consistent praise and worship of God, and this goes for almost every denomination.  Well, who's to say that because you don't attend church on a regular basis that you worship and praise God any less than the man who's always there?  When times get tough, your faith is where you are to turn if I'm correct.  Indeed I was always taught that church was for sinners, not for saints.  You attend for the fellowship, the ministry, and to learn God's word.  You attend to gain a sense of peace within yourself and with God, even if it's just for a moment.  Just so you can say that you know peace as you try to discover how to have it permanently.  Today I went to my church, (Browns Memorial Baptist Church in Baltimore) searching for all of the above and all of the above I received.

When you first walk into your place of worship, there's an ease that naturally comes over you immediately.  Everyone appears happy to be there (except for the kids who were forced there by a grandma lol).  Everyone's happy to be alive and see another day, happy as if they've been looking forward all week for church on Sunday.  I must admit, that has been me a couple of times.  For whatever reason, I was excited to attend church on Sunday... excited to experience some sort of cleansing and/or epiphany.  As I walked into church today, I was greeted and given blessings.  And no I do not know everyone in my church.  I come, sit in my spot, and relax.  I do, however, at least let my guard down.  We all are here for fellowship.  These people could be mean and evil on a regular basis for all I know, but within the thresholds of worship everyone becomes one another's angels.  Today we read scripture from the bible that touched my soul, God's words to his children indeed (Isiah 43:1-4).  The youth dance ministry danced to "Thirsty" by Marvin Sapp (click to listen). The choir sang two songs about being thankful, which led the entire church to have a 15-20min "praise break" where people cried and shouted "thank you" with their hands extended.  All eventually leading to my pastor, Dr. R. Lee Johnson, giving a sermon on the signs of depression and re-discovering your spirituality through extremely difficult times.  My church may fit the mold of the stereotypical "black church" but it's what I know, it's what I enjoy.  I carry my faith from what I've learned/experienced, and how I see fitting. 

When my pastor was done the message of his sermon... he took a moment to share the battle that he's been dealing with in recently losing his mother.  It was easy to notice that it was still a very sensitive topic for him, probably will always be.  He didn't preach to us about the dealings with his mother; instead he just talked to the church, told us how it affected him so badly to the point where he didn't even want to preach any longer.  Gave us a testimony to his triumph.  And while everyone sat silently listening to his story, empathetic to his pain, a deacon who sat on the front row, began shouting and speaking in tongues.  I'm not a holy ghost believer per say, but this man is normally a quiet man.  Never shouts, always to himself as long as I've been attending this church.  It was chilling almost.  Again, out of my church's norm, the pastor asked us to join him at the altar post-sermon as he prayed.  As I looked around, I saw tears rolling down everyone's faces... and before I knew it, I too fell victim to tears.  I didn't even know what I was crying for, but I couldn't stop.  Even as empathetic as I am, these days post-everything I've overcome thus far... it takes a lot for me to cry.  I was embarrassed at first, trying to wipe them before anyone noticed but the tears continued to flow.  I then remembered that I was in my place of worship, so it was okay to release whatever I needed to release.  I was supposed to do so.

During the altar prayer, I kept going over in my head areas of life that my pastor was touching on during his prayer and had spoke of during his sermon.  Normally, I write these things down as he speaks and this Sunday wasn't any different.  He spoke of how the "lord has already brought you from things you thought you couldn't handle, why would he fail you now?"  How "there's no need for people to be in your space if all they're going to do is disrupt your spirit."  How sometimes you just need to ask people to leave you be and let you have your moment with God to work things out.  How God uses adversity sometimes to bring us closer to our faith... and that "when God sees your faithfulness in the midst of your pain, that he will turn it into light."  He reminded us that "God will restore our joy" where ever, whenever, if ever we lose it.

Today's service helped me remember how blessed I am, and how sometimes you need to just spend the time praising and thanking who ever you pray to for keeping you blessed.  He suggested that we all find a verse, or a few verses that we can hold on to when times get tough... that we meditate and pray.  All of which are in sync with "Eat, Pray, Love".  What stuck out the most to me today was a certain quote he kept repeating.  "He (God) may not come when you want him, but he's always on time."  Timing is indeed everything, as in God having me attend church today knowing that I'd take every bit of it that was for me.  The verse that I own, Proverbs 3:5 "Trust in the Lord with all thine heart, and lean not unto thine own understanding" revolves around timing.  Suggesting that you just trust that God will take care of it, in due time.  I give everyone else the advice of waiting your turn and for your time.  That if your heart is confused, hurt, lost, angry... in God's time, things will change for the better.  Today's service gave me a better understanding of why having a place of worship is important.  We don't have all the answers, but in the presence of such positivity in a world where that doesn't happen often... a place of worship allows you to let go.   Even if you only go to your place of worship when you really need it, God sends you there that day because there is something that he wants you to hear and/or experience. Ultimately, it's all about timing.  You may think your urge of fellowship is dependent solely on how you're feeling or just because you believe it's time... when actually, every second of your life has already been strategically scheduled through God's timing.  You're merely controlling the DVRed version.

Here are a few songs that have always been my ABSOLUTE favorite examples of "ministry through music".  I prefer saying ministry through music because that's truly what it is...  
Click and be blessed :)

"I Won't Complain" by Rev. Paul Jones

"I Told The Storm" by Greg O'Quinn & Joyful Noize

"Midnight" by Brent Jones, TP Mobb, Coko (from SWV)

"Hold Me Now" by Kirk Franklin & GP

"My Desire" by Kirk Franklin, Fred Hammond, & GP

Title-less... Literally!

Going through more old poetry books of mine, and I came across this poem.  It's something a little different.  I don't have a title for this one; but I'd like for you to read it, understand it, and post a few title suggestions.  Nonetheless, enJOY ;)

Untitled

by Alicia Williams

They tried to tear us apart...

tried to take my words from my soul and use them against me, against you, against us.

They tried to take me away from what I knew best...

take away my passion, my everything.

They tried to tear our love apart....

the love that has been growing between us since I was a little girl, since we were both virgins to this world.

They tried to take away my everlasting piece of dignity.

Use what I said and what I wrote to mark me as a hypocrite.

They tried something along the lines of stoning me to death...

stoning us using my own vocabulary, my own verbals to rid of what we have.

They tried to put out our flame...

the flame that has continued to burn inside of the both of us.

But our passion, our heat was too much for them.

So they tried to water you down and cool me off, hoping that this would be the last of us.

Yea they tried... but they couldn't.

They couldn't tear us part because I'd die for you.

I'd lay myself down in the streets of shame and anguish to be constantly run over by our opposition if I had to.

I'd sacrifice my body for you, partake in activity that would waste away my soul just so your soul could continue breathing...

so your soul could live on to tell the world our story.

They just can't seem to break the natural bond that's between us... it's too strong.

I will admit though, that they almost had me.

They had me at a point to where I was almost broken... feeling torn and remorseful about nearly giving you up for good.

I was afraid to be with you... all from the fear of being seen, the fear of being humiliated, the fear of not being able to love you right anymore.

But without you, I wasn't myself...

the hurt and the pain was damn near unbearable.

So I vowed to take my punishment, let the public see and hear about my obsession with you and your obsession with me... because I needed you that bad.

They can't take this pen from my hand.

They tried... When I tell you.

They tried to stop me from writing... but I can't.

I love you pen & paper, words & rhymes... I love you entirely too much to lose you.

I almost let you go completely because what I wrote offended some, hurt some, broke some, and I lost some.

But I can no longer go on limiting my thoughts because of their dislike and disapproval of our relationship.

Because the reality is... they can not tear us apart.

Writing, you ease my pain, you calm my brain, you heal wounds inside of me that I didn't even know existed.

You allow me to be myself... never judging me, always listening.

Without you, I am nothing.  Without you, I am not me.

You see, they failed.

They can't tear us apart... and this is proof.

I'm back, I'm focused, I'm alive, I'm well... 

And I wrote this just for them.

"I am the youth spirit, I am y'all with the flow... Troubled man, dare I say, I am Mar with the flow... I come up hard but I evolve with the flow... Crossover, slam dunk, Rucker Park with the flow." ~JayZ. What They Gonna Do.

“Be yourself. Above all, let who you are, what you are, what you believe, shine through every sentence you write, every piece you finish." ~John Jake 

A Different Kind of Lovin'

Rumor has it that I'm bad in answering and returning phone calls... so says a few close friends of mine.  I object and completely disagree with this statement!!! You know how it is sometimes, you truly get engulfed or distracted by something that you were doing when they called.  Your friends though, your closes ones at that, the ones who know your day to day schedule, will call you during the most awkward times of your day... times where day in and day out you are not available.

They'll call you when they know you are still asleep, taking your daily nap, at work where talking on the phone is NOT even an option, booed up, or away somewhere where your cellphone is the last thing on your mind or not even accessible.  Then they'll wonder why you haven't answered their calls lol... c'mon now deviant callers known as the friends that I love dearly, call me when I'm actually free! haha.  It may sound like I'm nagging or complaining, but I'm not.  My circle of friends has just been getting on me about this lately, so I wanted to tease them.  This blog entry doesn't even have anything to do with missed calls.  Instead it's about the ones in our lives who we love like family but aren't related to us by blood, not one drop... our FRIENDS... more specifically... our close friends, known as our CIRCLE.  This blog entry is dedicated to my Trio! Established @ Howard University... prior & post.  This is truly a different kind of lovin'.

Most of us have probably heard of the saying that goes something like "as you get older you don't lose friends, you find out who your real ones are."  Don't quote me, but you get the gist of it.  When you get older, you go through these phases where you begin to distant yourself from certain people.  Either because your interest are no longer the same, they've done something unacceptable to you or someone close to you, or you feel as if you can no longer deal with their immature and/or screwed up character.  From personal experience and observation, here are a few "friends", also known as associates who we all should avoid and RUN AWAY from if we call any of these types of people "friends". (Unless you fall into the same categories yourself).  They are as follows:

1. The Groupie. They want to use you for the limelight.  There is something that you have or something/someone that you have access to that they want or want to be around.  In a creepy way, sometimes it appears that they want to be you.
2. The Con Man. They lie and are sneaky = can't be trusted. You can't loan this friend anything because you'll never get it back.  They will connive their way into getting whatever it is that they need out of you.  From a sad story, for sympathy... to a "you get this round of drinks, I got the next one!"... which you know won't  happen! 
3. The Attention Whore.  They want every bit of attention that you receive, no matter if it's from the opposite sex, other fellow friends, an employer, a coach, family etc.  They want it all!  And they'll leave you high and dry out in the cold to get what they want!
4. The Flirt. Not to be confused with The Attention Whore, but they do go hand and hand.  This person craves feeling like the most beautiful/flyest thing out there... and if that means feeling as if they could take your girl/man away from you then so be it.  You don't feel comfortable with them around your boyfriend/girlfriend or even just someone who you have a crush on or are somewhat interested in.
5. The Tabloid. They always have negative things to say about other people and/or are always gossiping about someone.  9 times out of 10 when you aren't around they dog you hard as hell and tell all of your business.
6. The Hater. They belittle you.  They are so stuck on themselves, or jealous of what you have that the only way to make themselves feel better is to diss everything that you have and anything that goes good for you.
7. The Spoiled Brat. They're selfish.  When the going gets tough for you, they are no where to be found.  They want you there for them for everything, and will be quick to call you out if you're not.  Strangely they turn into David Blaine and disappear when you need them most.
8. The Dropout. This friend really has no ambition or the goals that they have are crazy.  They bring you down... always wanting to get into trouble of some sort.  They may even clown and make jokes about you and your success/drive to succeed in front of other nobodies.
9. The Love Sick Puppy. With this friend, any man/girl/boo that comes into their life is immediately placed in front you.  Once this friend is "in love" you can say goodbye to any and everything that you did to hang out.  They make it clear that you are only priority and important when they are single and lonely... but yet you are the first one they call as soon they get played.
10. The Dependent.  You might as well start claiming this friend on your taxes!  It is soooo important that you are there for them for literally EVERYTHING.  They call you with questions like, "I don't know if I should breathe today? What do you think?"  If it weren't for you, this poor sole wouldn't know how to function properly.
 

There maybe some other types that you can think of, but the aforementioned ones are people who I've come across.  By the age of 25, these people NEED to be completely gone out of your life! I've gone away from having a big circle of friends.  I used to have a big circle that I talked to about life and my feelings... to only find out later that those people couldn't be trusted.  It hurts when you lose a good friend.  When a person becomes a good friend, it's as if they become a part of your family.  Whether you hate them or not... there is always a bit of nostalgia from funny, crazy, and wacky moments that you've had together.  And what sucks, are the moments when you look back when that person was there for you for a particular situation, or the moments when you remember actually feeling brother/sisterhood... it makes you ask yourself... What went wrong??

I've honestly battled with that question a few times, too many times for my liking.  Too many times to where it's made me sit down and question my own state of mind and ability to be a good friend.  Maybe it's me I considered?  But then those remaining good friends of mine, pointed out that I have a good heart, which causes me to give someone too much credit when they've shown me signs that they didn't deserve that much credit in the first place.  Yea, I'm definitely past that point now.  My senior year of college, after the elementary/middle/and underclassmen friend fumbles and tests, after I myself had to mature... I found my true circle of friends.

My circle is very small indeed.  These people have been there for me through my most trying times without ever judging me or making me feel ashamed for any mistake or choice that I've made.  They have never tried to hate, support me in literally EVERYTHING that I want to do and have done!  They have always told me the truth when it came to guys, even physically hurt for me as I went through some very trying times in maturing.  We are each quirky and different in our way, but we understand that about one another.  We all have ambition, spirituality, beauty, and brains.  I pray that these ladies remain my close circle forever... and that I am as a good friend to them as they are to me.  My big brother from another mother, Ray, gets an honorable mention for all of the above reasons as well (but I won't put his photo up without his approval lol).  I don't regret any friend ordeal that I've had.  Just as in any ordeal in life, you live and you learn.  And those who matter will be around throughout that process.  If you wouldn't settle for a mate, then why settle for a friend.

“Truly great friends are hard to find, difficult to leave, and impossible to forget.” ~Anonymous

Things Just Got Prettier

I'm so happy right now! Why? Because I found a way to start over!  Nooo I'm not talking about with life, but I'm talking about my precious blog!  For approximately the last 5 days, I have been going crazy because I have been unable to sign in to Google Account or Blogspot to access my blog.  My mind is always filled with so much that I thought I was going to have a breakdown with my new found outlet being basically non-existent.  It had only been a week, funny I know.  I told myself that even though I re-created my blog tonight, that I would go to bed and NOT post a blog.... buuuut what good is having your own outlet for writing if you don't do what you want with it right?  As you can see from the different url address, I never figured out how to attain access to my original blog.  Instead, I came across a very insightful website on blogspot that explained the issue and helped me face the fact that my blog would be lost for-ev-er *creepy voice*!  All because of a typo with my email address. *Sigh*

I, of course, was tempted to tell myself, "ok that was fun while it lasted!"  But the positive feedback that I have been receiving from my readers, also known as my friends, has been such a motivation more than I think any of them know!  I've had people tweet, call, message, text, and facebook me about how good my blog is and how they love reading what I have so far, what I'm doing... How it's refreshing and motivating...  How it touches their real life... How they'd like to tell the world about it... How they're simply happy to see me doing what I love to do!  To these people, I would like to scream at the top of my lungs THANK YOU!!!!!  That love that you have been giving me has been allowing me to take my own advice from the things that I've written.  It took me sometime, but I basically started this current blog from scratch.  It is identical to my previous blog with all of the same entries copied and pasted.  I've gone through all of the necessary steps this time to make sure that I won't lose this one.  I've even double checked with my heart to make sure that starting this completely over was worth it.

So here I am at 5 o'clock in the morning, writing.  Not about anything quirky and cute that popped into my brain... but simply rediscovering a passion I've had since my childhood.  And with that, I'd like to say thank you.  Thank you to all of my friends, and friends of friends, random readers, and admirers who unknowingly and knowingly are driving me to love again what I had lost.  Thank you for allowing Alicia to be Alicia, whether in person or through a craft.  My previous blog was titled When Life Gets Ugly... Get Pretty! In making perfect sense, I titled this blog When Life Gets Ugly... Get Prettier!  As life continues to come up with creative ways to toss me lemons, I'll keep coming up with creative ways to turn those lemons into something sweet... bump sour lemonade! I want the good stuff! lol :)  See you in the a.m. beautiful people!