She Say He's Just A Friend

Twitter has done it again... inspired another blog entry.  Last night I got into a conversation over twitter with one of my male followers about male/female friendships.  Throughout my life, I've heard that it is impossible for a male and female to legitimately be good friends... blasphemy almost it seems.  I beg to differ.  Indeed, I have a good male friend who is actually like a big brother to me.  Never once has he tried to date me, not during or prior to our friendship.  The thought of that happening doesn't even concern me because we truly see one another as damn near family.

What bothers me about the male/female friendship complex is that sadly, most male/female friendships aren't legit or barely exist.  My female friends and I find ourselves discussing the array of guys who you happen to become friends with, grow to believe are great men, and the coolest people.  Then suddenly the day comes when those guys admit to having a huge crush on you and force you to chose between continuing the friendship or progressing to lovers.  Sometimes, this is a wonderful thing.  This guy is someone who you yourself may have always had a liking for, but then other times not so much.  You may think that this male friend of yours who decided to confess his love for you looks great on paper, but there is simply no spark there for you.  You have honestly grown to see him as a good friend and a good friend only.  The two of you are then left in an awkward situation that leaves you sitting somewhere between guilt and disappointment, and your friend sitting somewhere between resent and embarrassment.  On your behalf, the guilt is there because you hate that you had to hurt his feelings, and disappointment because now the friendship that you appreciated so much is potentially gone.

Now I am not trying to discourage anyone from admitting their feeling to someone.  There are sooo many situations where the other person had been feeling the same way, but just didn't have the courage to say anything.  The male/female friendship complex is just an interesting one to me.  It is so hard to tell when an actual friendship exists, and when the wool is potentially being pulled over your eyes and a secret is being kept.  It can be frustrating for any man or woman who is just being introduced to the opposite sex close friend.  However, it all has to do with being secure in yourself.  If you have worries and fears, then maybe your boo isn't giving you enough assurance in your relationship as a whole.  If they were, then maybe you wouldn't be so paranoid over a friendship.  It does all stem back to being confident in yourself and trusting in your partner.

Honestly, I have dated guys where their so-called female friend(s) rubbed me the wrong way.  In order to deem someone an actual friend where attraction is not a factor, I feel that you should be able to talk to whoever you're dating on the phone or in person comfortably with your friend around.  There should not be a need to hide and/or play keep away with how deep your friendship or relationship is with anyone.  When these things don't occur smoothly, then yes, I do become like the rest of society and shun the idea of true male/female friendships.  But then I remember my own male/female friendship and all of the speculation that has occurred whenever I first start dating a guy.

As a result of all of this uncertainty that exist when it comes to male/female friendships, I have taken the liberty to compose a list of what I believe are the10 types of male friends that can and do actually exist within a female's life.  This list is not to be confused with the list of friend types in general that I've done on a previous blog of mine.  This list is more so for the public to agree or disagree.  Guys, you may fall into one or a few of these categories within the lives of female friends of yours.  And females, you maybe able to pinpoint different male friends from your own life on this list.  These 10 are not representative of all of my male friends.  It is simply the 10 I see existing in general.  They are as follows:

1. The Brother - This one is self-explanatory, and no I am not talking about a female's actual blood brother.  The brother-like friend is the one who females go to for everything.  He is the one who, outside of your female friends, knows most of your inner, deepest, darkest secrets.  The two of you probably have arguments, from time to time, like actual brothers and sister's.  You call him whenever you need that good ol' male advice and he calls you for female advice.  You call on him for mechanical questions, technology woes, and for any other facet of your life where a man's words or presence is warranted.  Your opinion of who he is dating is important to him, as his opinion is important to you.  Guys don't have to worry about the brother type taking your girl, instead it would be best for you to get the brother type on your side.  If he tells her a certain "nigga ain't sh*t!", she takes his word.  She has the utmost respect for him as if he were family.

2. The Homeboy - A female's homeboy is just that, her homeboy.  This friendship normally starts from the sharing of a common interest.  Maybe the two of you had classes together, were teammates, co-workers, hung in the same circle, or simply got to know one another through a mutual friend.  In public, it would appear that the two of you are the tightest thing walking.  He looks out for you when need be; however, the two of you don't talk outside of running into one another.  No texting, no phone conversations... only here and there hellos and funny convos over social networks and chats.  This person may always remain a homeboy because he is more than likely off limits because one of you is or was dating a friend of the other or because one of you knows that a good friend of yours is crazy about the other.   
 
3. The Best Friend - Not to be confused with the previous two, the best friend friendship often times starts with a male and female being friends by default.  By default, I mean that the two of you might've grown up together or rolled in the same neighborhood.  Growing up the two of you were always forced to befriend one another and be in each others' presence.  Maybe because your parents are such good friends whose kids happen to be around the same age, or maybe because you simply lived next door to one another and someone's household was always babysitting the other.  This friend may carry a lot of the same characteristics as the brother type; however, there is room for denial in how deep this friendship may actually be.  Would you and this person honestly be this "cool" and call one another "bestfriend" if the obligation wasn't there from the get-go?

4. The Conversationalist - Self-explanatory, this male friend is known for his excellent conversation.  Whenever you need someone to talk to, not for advice, but more so for distraction... he is the one you text/call/contact.  He answers every message at a timely manner, returns every phone call, and says all of the right things at that moment to take your mind off of whatever it is.  There maybe interest on his part, but for you it's all about his gift of gab.

5. The Girl Friend - This male friend is essentially the gay friend.  You look to him for fashion advice because in your mind, he can tell what shoes match with what dress better than any of your female friends can.  You expect him to be witty and full of personality.  You even turn to him at times to gain insight as to what goes on in the mind of a man.  He is indeed the best of both worlds.

6. The Clutch Friend - This male friend is always there when you need him.  Outside of wanting someone to talk to, this friend is there to take you out.  All you have to do is say the magic words, and he is ready to scoop you up or meet you somewhere for a night of entertainment.  He has probably expressed his motives and/or intentions with you prior to being good friends; however, you placed him in the friend zone.  You appreciate the good person that he is so much, that you refuse to let him go despite not feeling the same about him.  The clutch friend is the one who puts a smile on your face and knows how to make you feel good inside because that is a task that he welcomes on your behalf.  Guys beware, she may not like him now, but the clutch friend has the potential to win her heart the day you leave her vulnerable.

7. The Potential "more than friends" Friend - This male friend is the one who you actually could see yourself dating.  The interaction between the two of you is consistent enough to place him in the male friend category, but minimal enough to where he doesn't progress to dating-status.  For whatever reason(s), this friend is off limits as well.  Or you are afraid to admit to him why you really hang around him.  There is sort of an unspoken awkwardness here.  You don't really have too much activity with this one, but the respect is there enough to where you could ask for something if you truly needed it. 

8. The F.B. (f*ck buddy) - We're grown, so let's be honest.  This friend exists for a lot of people, male and female.  Many are even in denial about it.  This male friend is the one who has successfully attracted you physically.  The two of you fall into every stereotypical booty-call category.  This F.B. situation was either agreed on verbally by the two of you, or just somehow found a way to happen.  Sadly, a lot of times females find themselves on the bad end of the F.B. deal once feelings begin to get involved.  Having this male friend is not recommended and is highly dangerous to one's health and state of mind.

9. The Ex - Not always operating as a friend, I decided to throw the ex-boyfriend into this male friend category because he does exist.  Sometimes acting as more than a pain-in-the-butt than a friend, it is possible for a decent friendship to be established because of the history between the two of you.  This is usually only feasible when both you and your ex are honestly over one another; otherwise, this friendship is full of jealousy and bitterness.  If successfully pulled off, the ex as a friend can serve as a good stepping stone for future relationships as long as you are completely honest with your future partner about the extent of you and your ex's friendship.

10. The All In One - Fellas, I must warn you... be afraid of this friend... be very afraid!  Ok, maybe I'm being a bit dramatic.  But this friend encompasses all of the traits of the aforementioned male friends (maybe not the girl friend or the Ex).  He acts like a brother, a homeboy, and a best friend all in one.  He always comes through in the clutch with whatever you need, and he is excellent on paper in regards to being someone you would actually date.  If you are to develop an actual relationship from a true friendship, the all-in-one type may be the perfect candidate one day.  The only bad part is that once you cross that friendship line, if it fails, there may never be any going back to actual good friends.

It's a Different World... Than Where We Come From!

I remember it like it was yesterday.  It was a crisp and cool Fall evening.  Me and about 10 other classmates of mine sat bored to death in a Public Relations course being held in a small classroom in the Liberal Arts building of Towson University.  Towson, a predominantly white public institution, has been branded as one of the better schools for a quality education in the state of Maryland... but this is debatable in my eyes after the ordeals I've had to face there as a graduate student.  Anywho, my professor (who shall remain nameless) began talking about colleges and universities in the PR world.  My classmate, a graduate of Morgan State University, raised his hand and began to so very eloquently discuss the lack of media attention that H.B.C.U's receive.  My professor sat atop one of the desk in the room with a puzzled look as my classmate continued to speak, puzzled as if he were trying to decipher the language that my classmate was speaking.  Then my professor, a man who has been a professor for years, a man who carries a Ph.D, waited until my classmate finished, then asked... "what are H.C.B.B.U's? Did I say it correctly?"  NO YOU DID NOT SIR!  I know my face dropped, as did my classmate who had just finished speaking.  My other classmates weren't phased by this ridiculous question that a man who carries a Ph.D and stands as a professor of higher-ed in a state that is home to 3, basically 4 if you count Howard since it's in DC, historically black colleges and universities.  In a class of about 12, there were only 2 of us who where black, and we both coincidentally attended H.B.C.U's.  I, Howard, and him Morgan.  Offended, appalled, confused... I'm not sure how I felt.  But at that point, he completely lost any and all credibility and respect from me.

Yesterday, my Alma mater, the illustrious Howard University turned 144 years old.  Standing only one year younger than Towson University where my ill-knowledged professor taught, and where I now attend to for my Master's degree.  This blog entry is obviously dedicated to historically black colleges and universities.  Oh how I love them!  In high school, I remember wanting to attend the huge predominantly white institutions off of the mere fact that their basketball teams made the NCAA tourney.  Then in my sophomore year, I went on a visit to Hampton Institute (haha) and fell in love with the black college world.  I immediately went home and begin to research H.B.C.U's.  I talked to my mother about it, and she went out and got me a book that listed every HBCU in the nation and its information.  The more I broke down my criteria for my college education and researched, the more I realized which one was best for me.  This led to thee BEST decision I've made thus far in my life... to attend Howard University.  

Aside from loving my alma mater, I am in love with historically black colleges and universities and what they represent.  And my experiences at Towson have solidified those feelings.  I remember getting into deep conversations in high school where "friends" of mine would say dumb things like

"you can't get the real world experience at a black school".  

Now I'm not one who folds under peer pressure, so I wasn't phased.  I was more so amused by the stupidity.   I was completely confident in my choice despite the critics.  Plus I had wonderful family support in wanting to attend Howard.  I come from a family of HBCU graduates.  My mother, Coppin State University, my aunt and other cousins, North Carolina Central University, cousins on my mom's side, North Carolina A & T, cousins on my dad side, Morgan State University... and the lineage continues with my younger cousins and little sister.  HBCU's carry real world qualities that are damn near impossible to achieve at predominantly white institutions.

My professors at Howard could tell it like it is!
 

There was no sugar-coating for the sake of someone being offended in my college classrooms.  No dancing around a topic like I have experienced in my classes at Towson where everyone is afraid to talk because they don't want to offend the black kids.  Or I received the extreme opposite at times, where they would say whatever the hell they felt like saying with no respect for other ethnicities.  My professors would tell us straight up what we may have to face because of the color of our skin in the working world, and how to not lose ourselves and our integrity because of it.  My professors allowed us to come to their offices and just talk about life, ask questions, discuss any and every thing without passing judgment.  My professors, my counselors, my career advisers, did everything in their power to make sure we were trained to be better than the next, white or black.  They helped us get those internships and jobs through personal connections.  

I wrote an article while at Howard for Black College View's online newspaper about predominantly black institutions versus predominantly black ones; therefore, I ended up having to interview various students.  I interviewed teammates of mine who transferred from the big white schools, one the University of Tennessee and one the University of Pittsburgh.  I also interviewed a white guy on campus who was fairly popular and a member of the swim team.  My teammates explained how transferring to Howard was the best decision that they could've made.  That their professors and counselors at Howard all acted as if they really wanted them to do well and succeed while they received no sort of guidance at their former schools.  On the contrary, in talking to the white student, he felt that he was treated differently because he was white.  He felt that students looked at him funny on a daily basis.  I sympathized with him to an extent, but I also thought "welcome to our world on a daily basis." 

Oddly enough, that young man ended up transferring.  Not all HBCU's have a mix of students.  We did because the graduate programs and schools that we had, along with our hospital.  But regardless of the student mix, the faculty help is there.  You can always find someone willing to be in your corner for the long run.  I am now in my final year at Towson (I pray), and I recently ran into a situation where I needed a new chair for my thesis.  I could not get a professor, a director, anyone to answer any of my emails or phone calls for help.  For weeks I tried.  Then I finally scrolled through the faculty list, and emailed the ONE black professor in my department... who also received her Ph.D for an HBCU (HU *toot*toot).  After nearly a month of trying to get someone to help me, the one black professor responded to email in less than 24hours.  Everything continues to add to my beliefs.  Now I'm not saying you must attend an HBCU for all levels of your education, but having it in there somewhere can be life changing.  It's a true college experience.

Coming from an HBCU I feel more confident in myself and my abilities.  I understand how important it is to maintain my integrity and how my color is sometimes a factor, yet I can not let that get to my head.  In high school, I went through the same stigmas in attending an all-girl school.  The notion that I was somehow "missing out" on the real world.  But what people fail to understand is that being in a situation where you are not the minority for once is empowering.  The self-esteem that you gain and pride that you attain is remarkable.  According to the public, I shouldn't have any idea of how to handle the real world.   Poor Alicia, went to an all girl, then an all black school.  Yea right, I know how to handle situations better than most.  And now I am a professor myself, determined to give my students the support that I received at Howard and didn't receive at Towson. 

My friends, graduates of schools where they were the majority are killing the friends of mine who went with the "real world".  Just as in the "real world" your left to fend for yourself.  So they're still digging, trying to figure out how to get to the top, while my friends and I were shown how to duck and dodge, and make it there.  We were taught that mediocre is NOT an option.  You CAN and you WILL do BETTER.  Of course, all that I say here doesn't apply to every person and every situation.  I know people doing great things on all ends, black and white schools... but getting help a long the way is never a bad thing.  It just bothers me when I hear black adults today say that they don't want their kids attending a black school.  How dare you be a black person and look down on what your people have built so that your kids even have a choice of education today?  If blacks schools aren't your thing, then so be it but do not dare belittle all of them because of your own ignorance.  These HBCU's were at the forefront of producing a lot of the civil rights movements and great leaders that changed this country.  So here I stand as a proud graduate and supporter of an historically black college and university.  Happy Belated Birthday Howard University.  HBCU's I salute you!

List of HBCU's -- White House Initiatve

http://www2.ed.gov/about/inits/list/whhbcu/edlite-list.html

Written by a Woman, Dark Brown

Staring Back At Me

By Alicia Williams

So there's this sister... always staring at me.

Smiling happily through glorious moments of my life.

Crying with me when my heart hurts, trying desperately not to shed a tear.

This sister, who seems to know my every secret... from my deepest emotion to my most elusive fear.

Said to be birthed in the motherland but given to the world directly from the heavens. 

A sister whose womb once rested at the forefront of many nations... from the pyramids of Egypt, to the apartheid in South Africa, to the carnivals throughout the West Indies and South American countries that supplied the hands who built the American soil that we stand on.

So there's this sister...

Pushed so far out in the fields of slavery that her constant push in helping others escape to freedom was barely noticed.  Her hands bruised and battered from digging and picking, sitting amidst the animals as if she were one, with strength unlike any other woman.  

Serving as the driving force to her people's survival for a long-lasting lineage.

So there's this sister... 

Civil righteous to the bone.

Standing front line on the picket line, at the counter conducting sit-ins, facing the sheets of Klan's men... not afraid to state her claim for peace and equality.  The future bearer of a black panther village, from an afro-pic to a hot comb, always dressed and prepped for the fight of her life.

So there's this sister...

Funky and hip.  The hippest foxy brown diva, yo-yo girl, bootylicious bombshell strolling around her way as an around the way girl.

Intimidating to females because her vibe packed punches.  Over-analyzed by her male counterparts who couldn't seem to figure out how a woman of this color could be so damn fine.  Bashed by boriquas and redbones, facing words from those who were only a sun ray away from matching her mahogany.  

So there's this sister...

Called black, and dark when chocolate and brown justify the truth of her skin tone.

Beautiful and brown, skin rich and milky like the coco swirl to a caffeinated mixture.

Eyes slanted, pupils piercing any and every soul that dare glares back at her.

A physique mimicking that of a coke bottle... not too wide in the hips or busty in her breast, lean and mean but curvy enough to attract attention from the likes of any and every.

So there's this sister...

Ridiculed for centuries because God blessed her with a sun kissed complexion, 

Full of simplified complexities despite societies persistence to make her appear more complicated than she really is.

A sister who's told how beautiful of a "dark skinned" woman she is as if beauty of her kind doesn't come around often... when her kind of beauty is unmatched

A sister who's color has always been a topic of discussion... whose looks are exotic, skin flawless, beauty breath taking.

Telling me her story every time I look into her face... sharing all of the history that lies in her shade of brown.

Reminding me of how gorgeous I am when the world tries to shun me for a uniqueness I am in love with.  

A skin that history has proven to be tough... that is sometimes forgotten about and belittled for shallow and unintelligent reasons.

So there's this sister...

Who loves me for who I am, appreciative of what God has created.  

A sister who I thank... For her beauty is my beauty.  

A sister whose past will forever be embedded into my soul and nature of existence will forever fill my heart.

A sister who I too am staring at... For I am the beautiful dark brown, chocolate sister staring back at me.